


Falling

by TrulyIntroverted



Series: And We Fall (Until We Rise Again) [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Accidents, Attempt at Humor, Everyone's whipped for Changkyun, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, I don't know what else to tag, Im Changkyun | I.M-centric, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression, STAN MONSTA X, Sad Ending, who isn't tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24206530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrulyIntroverted/pseuds/TrulyIntroverted
Summary: It was a vacation to remember.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Everyone
Series: And We Fall (Until We Rise Again) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2092713
Comments: 31
Kudos: 92





	1. The Middle of the End

"Look over here!" Changkyun exclaimed, pointing to a spot further up and off the path. Before any of the members could clearly see what he was pointing at, the maknae started running off the path towards it.

If you could even call it running. His shoes were still covered in mud, so it looked more like he was slipping on ice than tromping through grass.

The other members laughed fondly at the youngest's actions as Kihyun yelled after him to slow down and wait for them. They rushed after him, slipping like Changkyun was only moments before, and when they emerged from the cluster of trees they found themselves at a cliffside. Changkyun was standing a couple feet away, looking out in awe, and when his hyungs stepped beside him they too were stunned.

The cliff overlooked the entire forest, bright green treetops swaying in the wind. Birds flitted from branch to branch. Fish swam in the roaring current of the river below. "Now _that_ is where you can drown Hyungwon," Hoseok said to Jooheon, pointing at it.

"I'm not going to drown Hyungwon!" Jooheon defended.

"Or is that exactly what you want us to think?" Hyungwon asked, leaning around the others to look at him with a raised eyebrow. Jooheon threw his hands in the air in exasperation.

"I'm not gonna murder you! If I'm gonna murder anyone, it'll be Hoseok!"

The male in question gasped, hand over his heart. "What did _I_ do?" he asked innocently, eyes wide.

"You were born."

"Bitch-"

"There will be no murdering on this vacation," Hyunwoo interjected sternly before sighing and running a hand down his face. "The fact I actually have to say that..." he muttered dejectedly. Having heard him, Minhyuk leaned his head on the leader's shoulder and grinned.

"Isn't it amazing?" he asked. Hyunwoo turned to look at him.

"The fact I have to tell my members not to commit murder? No," he deadpanned. Minhyuk frowned, lip jutting out in a slight pout. "But this view?" Hyunwoo looked back out over the cliff with a smile. "Yes." The grin returned to Minhyuk's face as he raised his head and looked out across the forest. The others followed suit, and soon all seven Monsta X members were looking out at the scenery in a serene silence.

Which lasted approximately twelve seconds before Changkyun turned to his hyungs with a smirk and said, "Bet you're glad you agreed to this camping trip now, you fucking hermits."

The members were quick to protest, the serene atmosphere shattering as five men started shouting at their youngest, who was doubled over in laughter. Hyunwoo was silent, but losing his mind.

"We are _not_ hermits!" Kihyun protested.

"Yeah!" Minhyuk agreed. "We just don't like going outside. At all."

"I actually identify as a lobster-"

"No one asked, Hoseok."

"Shut up, Jooheon, or I'll drown you instead of Hyungwon!"

"How about I drown _you_ instead of Hyungwon?!"

"How about we _both_ drown Hyungwon?!"

"Sounds good!"

"Good!"

"When did I get dragged into this?!"

"Hyunwoo hyung! Hoseok and Jooheon are planning murder again!"

"What do you mean 'again', Minhyuk?!" Hoseok exclaimed.

"This is, like, the sixth time this week-"

"Shut up, Kihyun!"

"No ramen for you, Jooheon!"

"I think you all just single-handedly emptied the forest with your yelling," Hyunwoo said with a sigh.

"Good job, guys!"

"That's not something to be proud of, Minhyuk..."

"Dammit, Hyunwoo. You made me sad."

"How dare you make our sunshine sad?!" Hoseok yelled.

"Hoseok, shut up," Kihyun said.

"I see you have chosen death, Hyunwoo," Jooheon added.

"Oh my God."

As everyone continued screaming behind him, Hyungwon noticed that their maknae had gone quiet. When he turned to look for him, he found Changkyun crouched in the grass with his camera tilted towards the sky. As if he felt eyes on him, Changkyun turned his head towards Hyungwon and, once he saw eyes were indeed on him, shot Hyungwon a bright smile. The older couldn't help but smile back.

_Click. Flash._

Hyungwon blinked in surprise as Changkyun turned the camera towards him and snapped a picture. The flash caused the other hyungs to stop arguing and look over to see Changkyun giggling as he examined the photo he just took. "Why didn't you warn me you were taking a picture?" Hyungwon whined.

"Your smile was perfect right then, Wonnie. I had to capture it." Changkyun smiled, causing Hyungwon to shyly smile back. The maknae suddenly clicked his tongue as he looked back at the photo. "Although the other hyungs could've used a warning." Hyungwon busted out into laughter as the shouting started up again, this time directed towards Changkyun.

"I'll have you know I'm gorgeous 24/7!" Hoseok shouted.

"Yeah! There's no way to make _me_ look ugly!" Jooheon added.

"That's mean, Kyunie," Minhyuk said with a pout.

"I make the ramen. Remember that," Kihyun said, jabbing a finger in the younger's direction.

Hyunwoo continued to silently lose his mind.

"Fine then," Changkyun said. "If you all think you're 'so handsome' or whatever, then prove it. Let's all take a picture by the cliff."

"Bet." Hoseok and Jooheon started trudging closer to the edge.

"Hey! Careful!" Hyunwoo shouted as both boys briefly lost their balance walking through the grass.

"It'll be fine, hyungie. Don't worry," Changkyun reassured him. Hyunwoo gave a small smile and nodded.

"You're right. Okay." He raised his voice slightly to address the whole group. "Let's just take this picture and keep going. We want to finish this trail and make it back to the campsite by dinner." Everyone either nodded or hummed in acknowledgement before walking closer to the edge.

"The view is so much more pretty up close!" Minhyuk said, staring out into the forest and river below. It looked like a backdrop to a photoshoot, but it was real and that was the most amazing thing.

"Damn. The view is better looking than me," Hyungwon muttered, only half-joking. Changkyun was quick to place a hand on his arm.

"Don't say that," he said. "The world _wishes_ it could be you." Hyungwon smiled and chuckled softly.

"Nah. The world wishes it could be _you_." Changkyun rolled his eyes, but was smiling.

"Oh whatever."

"Gather around, guys," Kihyun said. "And be careful of the drop."

"We're not babies, Kihyun," Minhyuk said. He smirked as he slowly turned to the maknae. "Although one of us is..."

"Shut up!" Changkyun said, causing Minhyuk to laugh.

"You sure you can take a selfie of us with that camera?" Jooheon asked with an eyebrow raise as Changkyun fiddled with it.

"Have faith in me, Honey," Changkyun said. "And Hoseok?" He turned to look at the older sternly. "No murdering people."

"Fine fine," he relented, raising his hands in surrender.

"Okay, ready?" Changkyun asked. Everyone nodded and got into position as Changkyun raised the camera. "One, two, three!"

_Click. Flash._

"Okay!" When Changkyun opened the photo, he found him and his six hyungs huddled together in front of the expanse of forest and sky, smiling brightly. "Meh. You guys look okay."

Cue more screaming and Hyunwoo losing his mind.

"I'm just kidding!" Changkyun said between laughs. "You all look amazing. And so do I." He flipped his imaginary long hair.

"Ah, shut up," Jooheon said, laughing as he lightly shoved the younger. Changkyun laughed and nudged him back.

"Let's not play near the edge," Kihyun said. Hoseok rolled his eyes.

"Yes, Mom," he said. Kihyun huffed and whacked him across the head.

"No ramen for you," he said before stomping back towards the trail. Hoseok gasped.

"Wait!" he called as he hurried after him, slipping and sliding through the grass.

"Seok, be careful!" Hyunwoo yelled, walking after him.

"Forget murdering other people. He's gonna murder himself," Hyungwon muttered, shaking his head and starting after the others.

"Pretty sure that's called 'suicide', Wonnie," Jooheon said as he started walking beside him.

"No morbid talk!" Minhyuk said, slapping both their arms as he pushed himself between them. The two winced and prepared a retaliation, but before the six of them could say anything more a sudden scream turned their blood cold.

" _HYUNG!_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New series because I have no self-control :)
> 
> Archive is actually seeing this story before Wattpad, so if you're reading congratulations on this first look lmao


	2. Jooheon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time writing in first-person, so apologies if it's kinda cringy.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

**October 31st**

It seems like everything loses its excitement when you're an adult. For example, it was Halloween night yet I was not as excited for it as I had been in the past.

_But why, Jooheon?_

Why I'm so glad you asked! Here you go:  
**Jooheon's Top Five Reasons Why Halloween Sucks as an Adult**  
1\. I could no longer dress up in a costume without being judged  
2\. I could no longer go Trick or Treating without being judged which means  
3\. I have to buy my own candy and  
4\. Eat it in my regular clothes on the couch which makes me seem like a fatass not to mention that  
5\. I'm an idol and have to watch my weight and skin

See? No fun. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

So there I was, Halloween night costume-less and candy-less. The other members seemed like they couldn't care less, all of them simply watching a movie in the living room. And by "watching", I mean they were screaming and clinging onto each other like the cowards they were.

_So why didn't you join them and show them how a real macho man handles it, Jooheon?_

'Cause you see, that's no fun either because you don't have any free candy to eat or fun costumes to wear while you watch. Adulting sucks, dude. No wonder the aliens haven't come for us.

It also didn't help that outside my window I could hear the trick-or-treaters, laughing and screaming as they collected free candy from strangers. We always say don't take candy from strangers, but all of a sudden on Halloween that's all you do. It could be laced with cocaine for all you knew.

I wanted the free candy so bad.

Sulking in the dark under the covers alone in my bedroom while listening to "Grim Grinning Ghosts" on repeat is a pretty lame way to spend Halloween, but that's how I planned to spend it.

Key word: planned.

I don't know how long I spent under there, but at some point between the twenty second and twenty eighth repeat someone yanked the covers off me to reveal a Chucky face smeared with red, a knife also smeared with red raised in his hand. So naturally I started screaming and throwing every object I would reach at him. Except my phone, of course. I'm not a phone abuser.

"Ow, ow, hyung, it's me!" Chucky exclaimed as he jumped back and tried to shield himself. He took off the mask, and once I saw who was behind it I immediately ceased my object throwing and jumped up.

"Oh God, Changkyun, I'm so sorry!" I said, rushing over. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

"Well, you nearly impaled me with about fifty objects, but other than that I'm fine," Changkyun said, looking over himself.

"I'm so sorry!" I said again. Changkyun only laughed.

"Honey, I'm just being overdramatic. It's okay."

I felt my heart speed up when he said my nickname. I loved the way it just rolled off his tongue with his deep yet soft voice. But I pushed the feeling aside and simply sighed. "If you say so."

"Whatcha doin'~?" Changkyun sung as I flopped back down on my bed.

"Sulking."

"Aw, why? What's the matter?" Changkyun sat down beside me with a slight pout, and I nearly cooed at the sight. Seriously, how can a person look so cute when they're concerned?

"It's nothing serious," I said while pinching Changkyun's cheek. "Don't worry about it." His pout only deepened.

"Of course I'm going to worry. It's Halloween, and I want everyone to be in a good mood." Again, I resisted the urge to coo. Changkyun could be a brat and act like an old grandpa, but he was still an innocent kid at heart. I adored that about him. He could act like he hated us all he wanted, but at the end of the day he loved us and would always go out of his way to make sure we were happy. It's something all of us knew and appreciated.

And in that moment, I appreciated it more than anything.

"Halloween's just not my thing this year," I said with a slight shrug, trying to act like it's not a big deal when in reality I was still very much pissed off about being exempt from the free candy extravaganza happening just outside my window at that very moment.

"What do you mean 'this year'?" Changkyun asked. And so I explained. I tried to keep it casual and nonchalant, but in reality I wanted to whip out a whole PowerPoint and give a TedTalk right there in the bedroom. Changkyun didn't say anything immediately afterwards, instead looking down with a furrowed brow and slightly jutted lip.

"It's no big deal," I said with another shrug. "Just kinda sucks, I guess."

Those were both lies by the way, because YES it is a big deal to me, and NO it doesn't "kinda" suck it _really_ sucks.

"I'm fine just hiding under my covers and listening to Grim Grinning Ghosts on repeat," I continued, unplugging my headphones and allowing the song to fill the room as I shimmied along. Changkyun giggled at my actions - which is by far the best sound you'll ever hear in your life - but then frowned and hit my leg.

"But you aren't!" he said. "I know you, Jooheon," he continued as I opened my mouth to argue. "You're actually really upset about this. Otherwise you'd be watching the movie with us."

He sounded so sad when he said that last bit, I immediately felt guilty. I paused the song and threw my phone to the side. "Did you want me to watch with you guys?" I asked.

"Honey, I _always_ want to spend time with you." The sincerity sparkling in his brown orbs made my chest warm and my cheeks flush. I ran a hand through my hair.

"Ah... Well why didn't you just say so?" I stood. "Come on. I'll go watch the rest with you all right now." I started towards the door, taking deep silent breaths to try and get myself under control. Changkyun was just so ethereal in every way.

God is one biased motherfucker.

But Changkyun's hand found my wrist and pulled me to a stop, forcing me to turn around and face him. "But that's not going to make you happy, and I want you to be happy and have fun tonight," he said sternly. Again, his eyes were sparkling, this time with determination. Our close proximity and his gentle hold on my wrist certainly didn't help my heart. I thought your heart was supposed to race out of fear on Halloween, not whatever _this_ is.

I blame Changkyun completely for what I said next. His eyes, his words, the sincerity of it all, just _him_ made me lightheaded and turned off my chill. "As long as I'm spending time with you, I always have fun." Changkyun looked shocked, whether by my words in general or the sincerity of them. I was surprised too.

"Really?" he asked, eyes wide and shining. I nodded.

"Really. I'm glad you made it into the group, Kyun. _So_ glad." Changkyun chuckled and looked down.

"I didn't take you to be the cheesy type, hyung," he said, but I knew he was touched. Still, I played along and rolled my eyes.

"Aish, you brat," I said, lightly pushing him away. He laughed and suddenly got this bright look as his eyes widened.

"I got it!" he exclaimed.

"Got what?" I asked.

"What to do to make sure you have fun tonight!" I sighed.

"This again? Changkyun, I already told you I just need _you_ to have fun." Again, the sincerity surprised me.

"I heard what you said." He grinned. "Which is why we're gonna do this together.

"Do what? Does it involve something illegal that'll get us in trouble with Kihyun hyung?"

"Maybe~" he sung cheekily. I sighed.

"I'm down with that," I said with a shrug. Changkyun cheered, smiling brightly.

"Yay! Come on!" He took another gentle hold of my wrist and led me out the bedroom, pulling me into the closet. "Okay," he said, letting go of my wrist and clapping his hands. I rubbed my hand over the spot he had held, now feeling bare and cold without his touch. Changkyun started scanning the racks, humming thoughtfully. "Can you grab masks for us?" he suddenly said.

"Why?" I asked. "What are we gonna do?"

"Don't question it and just go get them.

"Oh trust me, Kyun. I'm questioning a lot of things right now," I retorted, but I left to go get them anyway. When I came back, Changkyun was holding Hyungwon and Hoseok's coats, the fanciest ones they owned. I chuckled. "Is this what you meant when you said we might get in trouble with Kihyun hyung?" I asked in amusement. Changkyun giggled.

"Kinda," he said as he handed me Hyungwon's coat. "We need to look the part for this to work."

"What part?" Changkyun grinned.

"You'll see."

About half an hour later, Changkyun and I were dressed in nice coats, crisp jeans, and sleek sneakers. Our hair was combed and styled, the lightest of makeup brushed along our eyelids, and masks covering the lower half of our faces. Changkyun had grabbed two black tote bags, handing one to me. "Ready?" he asked, and I could hear the grin behind his mask. I shrugged.

"I'm ready for anything. Even things I don't know about." Changkyun giggled.

"Sure you are. Come on." Nudging me, he walked into the hall. I followed. As we got closer to the living room, Changkyun turned around and put a finger to his lips in a "be quiet" gesture. I nodded. Lucky for us, the older members were too engrossed into their movie (and too busy burying their faces into each other's shoulders) to notice the two of us leaving.

The October night was chilly, but not even the cold winds could damper my mood. It was a great feeling, being out in the streets that Halloween with the kids running around dressed as their favorite cartoon character as their bag full of enough candy to land them in a sugar coma for a year slapped against the ground. The parents seemed less than thrilled, but still had smiles as they watched their kids cheerfully say "Trick or treat!" and run back excitedly to show them the new candy or point out other costumes they liked. To think I was going to spend that whole night inside moping. Even just standing in the midst of it all was enough.

But Changkyun had other plans.

He led us along the streets until we reached a wealthy neighborhood just outside the main center of Seoul. "Hold the door!" Changkyun shouted, grabbing my wrist again as he ran to the doors of a sleek apartment complex, obviously very expensive. The person going inside hesitated, but held the door when they saw our appearance, probably our coats to be more specific. Rich assholes. "Thanks," Changkyun said with a smile. "Forgot my card again." The person only nodded and waltzed inside.

"Are you going to fill me in now?" I asked, still confused. Changkyun only grinned and led me to the elevator.

"Rich folks are too busy sitting on their asses to hand out candy," Changkyun said as the elevator doors closed. "They literally just leave bowls outside their door with a 'take one' sign." He rolled his eyes at that, and I groaned.

"Ugh, I hated those people. No one ever listened to those anyway, especially the teens."

"Hyung, I know for a fact you were one of those teens," Changkyun said with a teasing grin. I rolled my eyes.

"Oh shut up."

"No, it's fine. 'Cause we're gonna be those teens tonight."

"Kyun, we're legal adults."

"Not at heart." There was a mischievous yet excited twinkle in his eyes that made it impossible for me not to feel the same. The elevator dinged as the doors slid open, and we found ourselves in a long hallway with black carpet and spotless white walls. Lo and behold, rows of bowls were placed outside the apartment doors and sure enough they had signs that said "take one".

"Are you sure about this?" I asked as we stepped out. It wasn't like I completely opposed to the idea. It's totally something I would do. But still, I couldn't help but think of the potential consequences if we got caught. Specifically for Changkyun. I didn't want them to get in trouble because I was being a mopey bitch. "We could get in a lot of trouble. Especially if they recognize who we are."

Changkyun only sighed. "Come on, hyung. Lighten up. No one's gonna know it's us since we're completely covered up. Besides, you wanted free candy, right?" His eyes twinkled under the bright fluorescent lighting in the hall, and when I still hesitated he said, "Don't be like Kihyun hyung."

"Oh, you did _not_ just compare me to that dwarf," I snapped. Changkyun smirked.

"I did," he said smugly. "Whatcha gonna do about it?"

Ladies and gentlemen, Im Changkyun had won. He knew just what to say to get me to cooperate. And I hate to say it, but it worked. "Oh just you wait, Im," I said as I opened my bag, eyeing all the bowls of candy. "I will sweep this entire floor clean."

"Not if I do it first, Lee," Changkyun retorted.

And so we went running down the hall, dumping all the candy into our bags before taking off again. When the entire floor was cleared out, we ran up the stairs to the next. We only stopped when our bags were too full to carry more, and at that point the apartment residents had begun to realize people were taking all the candy, so we bolted down the stairs. Changkyun slid down the banisters, clutching his candy to his chest, laughing and whooping. I jumped down the steps with ease, laughing. When we finally burst outside, our cheeks were flushed red and we were both slightly out of breath, but we didn't care. We just smiled victoriously at each other, bags now filled to the brim with candy we didn't even need to buy.

But the night was not over yet. Changkyun led me away from the complex and to the park. There weren't that many people save for the groups using the park as a shortcut to get to the next neighborhood while trick-or-treating. We found a bench to sit on and sat our bags between us, looking through our hauls. "I totally won, by the way," Changkyun said.

"What?! No! I did!" I exclaimed.

"I didn't see you sliding down the railings to make a clean getaway, did I?" Changkyun retorted, tilting his head to one side with a small smirk. "Last time I checked, you were clomping down the stairs like an elephant who doesn't know how to walk."

I huffed. "Not everyone can be as cool as you, Changkyun."

"Exactly. Which is why I win by default." He was acting all cocky on the surface, but I could tell by the way his eyes glimmered that he appreciated my compliment.

"Whatever," I said, playing along. "Let's just put ourselves in a sugar coma already." Changkyun laughed, the beautiful sound ringing clearly through the screams and laughter of the trick-or-treaters, and nodded.

We both picked out a respective piece of candy and unwrapped it, holding it up like we were clinking glasses. "Happy Halloween, Jooheon!" Changkyun said with a bright smile. It was impossible for me not to smile back.

"Happy Halloween, Changkyun."

We both began eating, staring up at the clear sky with the stars and full moon lighting up the night as the trick-or-treaters continued their hunt for the drug that is sugar. The night was still quite chilly with the wind blowing and causing the fallen autumn leaves to tumble across the ground, but I didn't mind any of it. It was then I looked over at Changkyun. Changkyun who was staring up at the sky as he held his partly smushed chocolate in one hand, chewing as he got lost in the view. There was a bit of chocolate smeared across his bottom lip, and his tongue flicked across it to wipe it away. His eyes held the universe in them, feelings of happiness and content swirling in his brown orbs that reflected the light of the stars and moon above.

It was then I realized I fell in love.


	3. Kihyun

**November 22nd**

How do you spend your birthday when you're sick?

Answer: you suffer.

Truthfully I had been feeling a bit under the weather the previous few days, but I didn't say anything so I wouldn't worry the members. I still went to practice, cooked, cleaned, basically did everything as usual. Because of that, no one said anything when I would go to sleep earlier than usual because I was just so drained, nor when I skipped dinner because I had no appetite, or even when I was up in the middle of the night ('cause I can never wait for the morning to rise~) because I was too hot one minute then too cold the next. They didn't see any reason to look closer for anything wrong.

But in hindsight, all of us really should've seen this coming.

I guess it was my fault for not taking better care of myself. I should've told someone when I started feeling sick, if not the members than the manager at least. But nope, because I was too stubborn to admit something was actually wrong, I kept pushing my body until it finally succumbed and crashed.

On my birthday.

Of all days.

Splendid.

Apparently the members had all gotten up early to cook me breakfast. How they managed to do that without burning the dorm down, I have no idea. It was Changkyun who came to wake me up. I was in that "half-asleep" state where I was still conscious but not totally there. So when I heard Changkyun happily burst in, the thump when the door hit the wall reverberated through my head and caused me to groan. I guess Changkyun mistook the groan for a reluctance to get up because he started shaking me and telling me I had to get up quickly. It was such a struggle to open my eyes, my body aching as I turned to face him. Changkyun's excited expression fell as he took notice of my state. His eyes widened slightly, the gleam in them dimmed and replaced with concern. "Oh my God, hyung, are you okay?" he asked. I didn't even have the energy to verbally respond. He placed his hand against my forehead and I closed my eyes at his touch. "Jesus Christ, you're burning up!" he said, jerking his hand back.

"Kyun?" Hyunwoo asked as he came in to see what was taking so long. "What's wrong?"

"Hyunie's sick," Changkyun said with a slight pout. Hyunwoo frowned and pressed his own hand against my forehead.

"Ooo yeah, he's warm," he said. "I'll tell the guys and call up manager-nim." Changkyun nodded.

"Can you get me a cold and dry towel while you're at it?" he asked. Hyunwoo nodded.

"I'll have one of the boys bring them in," he said, giving me a pitying look before walking out. I usually hate that look, especially directed towards me, but in that moment I was too busy dying to actually care.

I guess it takes five people to bring in two towels because not long after the remaining five members were shuffling inside, eyeing me worriedly. It was Jooheon who handed to towels to Changkyun, who was quick to kneel down beside me and begin wiping my face with the wet one. The cold water felt nice, yeah, but the fact that it was Changkyun made it feel even better. I blamed it on my sick brain that I felt that way, even more when I saw the worried gaze Changkyun wore along with the slight pout on his lips and my stomach flipped. It wasn't in the "I'm about to throw up" way. It was in the "ohmygodwhatthefuckhowishereal" way.

"I don't suppose you could stomach the breakfast that took us two hours and three fires to make?" Hoseok asked as Changkyun laid the towel across my forehead.

"Hyung," Changkyun said disapprovingly, turning around to face him. Hoseok raised his hands in defense.

"I'm just asking!"

"You're going to make him feel bad."

"Well he should. We almost died for him, _three times_ may I add, and now he can't even-"

"Lee Hoseok, enough," Changkyun growled. That immediately shut Hoseok up and caused everyone else in the room to clamp their own mouths shut. Changkyun rarely raised his voice, but when he did you knew he was pissed off. Even my barely functioning brain could clearly pick up the waves of anger radiating off him.

"I get that humor is your way of coping with things," Jooheon said, "but there's a time and place for that."

"Sorry, Kiki," Hoseok said. "I didn't mean it. It was a stupid joke."

"And he was being overdramatic as usual," Minhyuk added with an eye roll. "We didn't start three fires. We _almost_ started three fires. There's a difference."

Despite that, I couldn't get Hoseok's words out of my mind. Here my members were trying to do something nice for me, and I couldn't even appreciate it properly because of my stubbornness.

I still didn't have the energy, or the willpower, to speak so I just turned my back on them to sulk silently. "Kihyunie?" Minhyuk softly called.

"Just leave him be for a bit, guys," Changkyun said. I heard them sigh before they started to shuffle towards the door. A person loomed over me before he left, leaning down to whisper in my ear.

"Don't feel like a burden," Hyungwon whispered. "You're not. Far from that. And this wasn't your fault." He shakily exhaled, and I could hear the smile in his voice as he whispered, "Happy birthday, hyung," before leaving, gently closing the door behind him. I let out my own shaky sigh, feeling too drained to cry or do anything really. It didn't matter what Hoseok and Hyungwon said, the guilt was still eating at me like I should've been eating the breakfast my members made for me. Honestly, what kind of person am I?

"Hyunie hyung?" a voice asked from my bedside, and I whipped around to find Changkyun still seated in the same spot beside me on the floor. It was a bad idea to move quickly as my body was quick to protest, my head spinning and my stomach flipping in the "I'm about to throw up" way. Changkyun was quick to shoot up - not out - and steady me. His hands on my shoulders sent a pleasant warmth throughout my arms, tingling at his touch. Either it was his touch or I was actually about to die. Whatever the case, he was quick to grab me and say, "Easy, Kiki, hold on." He propped up my pillows against the headboard and leaned me against it, shifting the towel on my forehead before sitting back. My eyes never left him. "Do you want to eat something?" he asked. "I mean, I know you can't eat the breakfast we made, and that's completely okay. I can make you some soup or something. Or I can run you a bath? Get you a change of clothes? I know you must be sweaty-"

"I'm sorry..."

It came out just barely above a whisper considering my body decided not to function properly that day and I had no energy, but Changkyun still heard it; the words and the guilt coating them. "What do you mean 'sorry', hyungie?" he asked softly. I sniffed, finally looking away from him and focusing on my lap.

"This wasn't how today was supposed to go..." I croaked out. "I'm just burdening you..."

Changkyun was silent. "Hyung..." he said after a moment. "Do you really think that?" I stayed silent, continuing to stare at my lap. I felt the bed dip beside me and someone gently wiped at my eyes.

"Kyun, you're gonna get sick..." I said.

"Hyunie, look at me," Changkyun said, completely ignoring me. Usually that'd tick me off, but I was a bit too occupied trying not to combust as I turned and found Changkyun's face inches from mine, his gaze gentle as he found my hand and intertwined our fingers. I'd always known Changkyun was "handsome af" as Monbebes like to put it, but in that moment all I could think was "beautiful". Im Changkyun was beautiful.

"Hyung, if you think for even a second that you're a burden, don't," Changkyun said. "I'm not doing this out of obligation or because it's your birthday or anything like that. That doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that you're sick and I care about you. Not only that, but you care about me too. You care about all of us. I know we don't say it, but we all really do appreciate everything you do for us. The food, the wake-up calls, everything. If you don't believe me, ask any of the other members. They'll tell you the same thing." He gently squeezed my hand. "So please, hyung. Let me take care of you like you've been taking care of me. And please trust me - if not me, than the other members - when I say you're not a burden. Far from that, actually."

But I did believe him. Wholeheartedly. Coming from anyone else would've been harder for me to accept, but the fact that it was _Changkyun_ telling me this made it feel more genuine, more true, and easier to accept. The feeling of Changkyun's hand in mine and the words he spoke made me feel all warm and fuzzy, a warmth that had nothing to do with my fever. This one was welcomed, making my stomach do the "ohmygodwhatthefuckhowishereal" flip.

I would've been more stubborn with anyone else, but with my sickness and Changkyun's unintentional cuteness I was in no condition to stand up against him. Never mind the fact that I could barely stand up period. So I found myself nodding - well as much as I could without the world spinning - and said, "Okay." And let me tell you, I'd tell Changkyun "okay" as many times as he wanted if it meant I got to see his face light up, the familiar sparkle in his eyes and the smile that made him glow coming back on full blast. My heart was not prepared for that, and I was lucky my face was already flushed from the fever.

"Okay," he repeated, nodding. "I think we should get you into some fresh clothes, yeah?"

I just absentmindedly nodded and watched as Changkyun walked over to the dresser. It didn't really occur to me what "getting into some fresh clothes" meant until Changkyun came back and reached for the hem of my shirt.

Panic mode: activated.

"Wait!" I shouted as I flinched away. At least I meant to do that. Instead, I managed to say "Wa!" before dissolving into a coughing fit.

"Easy, Hyunie, easy," Changkyun said, steadying me against the headboard again. "I'm sorry, but I need to do this. You're in no place to do it yourself."

I knew he was right, but for some reason the idea of Changkyun changing my clothes caused such a distress within me, my brain screaming "NOPE" and my body wanting to jump out a window. It makes no sense, I know, considering we're both males and I've lived with him for years. I've seen a lot of things. But this was different. Don't ask me how, it just was.

Still, I knew I would most likely throw up and pass out if I tried, which is kinda pathetic but I'm not Mr. Muscle Hoseok and also I was dying so stop judging me Judy. So with a mumbled "okay", I allowed Changkyun to fully take my shirt off. It wasn't the first time he'd seen me shirtless. Heck, the other members have seen me shirtless too. But in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into the blankets and hide from Changkyun's eyes. But as my body was too preoccupied fighting off bacteria, my only option was to stay put.

It seemed Changkyun couldn't care less. He simply balled up my old sweaty shirt and tossed it aside before picking up the dry towel and wiping away the sweat with it. The feeling was gentle, sending tingles up my spine. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. Discarding the towel once again, he pulled a dry shirt over my head. The coolness of it was soothing and immediately made me feel less stifled. He was right. Fresh clothes really do help. "Wasn't so bad, was it?" Changkyun asked cheekily, grinning as he readjusted the towel on my head. I only sighed, and he giggled. His laugh is a whole other remedy in itself, I swear.

There was a small knock on the door, and when Changkyun opened it there was Hyunwoo holding cold and fever medicine bottles. "Manager said he would exempt Kihyun from practices until he recovers." He peeked inside the room and smiled reassuringly at me. "He said to take your time recovering. Oh, and happy birthday." I nodded, trying my best to smile back. Hyunwoo handed the medicine to Changkyun before asking, "Everything good here?"

He nodded and smiled. "I got him, hyung, don't worry." Hyunwoo nodded.

"If you're sure. But if you need any of us, we'd all be willing to help."

"I know. Thanks, hyung." With one last smile shot at both of us, Hyunwoo walked off towards the eating area, probably to help the others with that breakfast. Changkyun closed the door after him before walking back over and setting the medicine on the nightstand. "We should get some food in ya," he decided. I groaned. Just the thought of eating made me want to throw up. "It doesn't have to be a lot," Changkyun said. "But you need to have something in your stomach for the medicine."

"Kyun..."

"Tell you what. I'm gonna heat up some soup. Just take a few sips, then I'll give you the medicine. I won't force you to eat again after that. Deal?"

Even a few sips seemed like a lot, but I nodded anyway. Changkyun smiled. "I'll be back," he said before walking into the kitchen. The room was silent and cold without his presence. Or maybe that was the chills talking. Either way, I snuggled deeper into the blankets and began to lightly doze off. It only seemed like seconds before Changkyun was back with a bowl of soup, warm but not hot enough to burn my tongue off. True to his word, he only made me take a few sips before giving me the medicine (I will admit I tried taking extra sips just because he was feeding me, but my stomach was like "boi you better stop" so I did). "How are you feeling?" Changkyun asked before cringing. "Sorry, that's a dumb question. Obviously you're feeling very shit- _bad_ , but I just meant are you feeling better than you did when you first woke up or worse?"

I couldn't help but chuckle at his quick retraction of the swear word. Glad he knew that even in my sick state, I would kick his butt for that. "Better," I said, and it was true. Yes, I still felt like death. But with Changkyun taking care of me, it felt nice. Usually it would be the other way around, and my stubborn butt would have continued to keep it that way. Despite that, the fact that Changkyun was willing to do all this for me...

It meant a lot. The fact that he was there at all, just his presence alone, was enough to lift my mood. Even more when Changkyun smiled. "I'm glad, hyung," he said. I could see and hear the sincerity; see the sincerity in his eyes and hear the sincerity in his words. "You should get some sleep," he said. "I know the medicine can make you feel drowsy."

Once again he was right. I had to stifle a yawn as Changkyun helped me shift my pillows and laid me down. My eyelids only continued to grow heavy once I hit the pillow, and Changkyun shifted the towel once more before standing. "Wait," I said, grabbing onto his sleeve. He looked down at me curiously. "Can you stay?" I asked. "Please?"

Changkyun smiled shyly. "Of course," he said. "Just let me turn off the lights." I grabbed his sleeve again once he came back and tugged him onto the bed. "If I get sick, I'm suing," he joked. I stopped and immediately let go.

"I'm sorry," I murmured. "I just-"

"I was kidding, Kiki, don't worry," Changkyun was quick to say. "That doesn't matter to me." He slid in beside me, wrapping an arm around my waist. "This okay?" I shifted so my head was against his chest and hummed in confirmation.

I had started to drift off, listening to his heartbeat, before asking, "Can you sing me happy birthday?"

Changkyun giggled. "Right now? Kinda random, don't 'cha think?"

I shrugged. "I mean, it's my birthday and I'd like to hear it."

"I'm not that good a singer though."

"Shut up, I love your voice."

"R-Really?"

"Beautiful voice... Now sing..."

Changkyun chuckled nervously, but did as I asked. It was then I looked up at him. A faint red of embarrassment dusted his cheeks as he sung, his deep velvety voice accompanied by the steady beating of his heart as he gently combed his fingers through my hair. His right arm was crossed behind his head as he focused on anything other than my face, a habit he does when he gets embarrassed, but there was a light smile at the corner of his lips as he sang.

It was then I realized I fell in love.


	4. Hyungwon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: self harm, self-induced vomiting

**December 24th**

It's funny how even in the most holly jolly of times, everything around me only reminds me of the failure I've become.

Correction: the failure I always have been, the only difference now is that I'm willingly letting millions of people see it.

I've seen the comments. I know what people think of me. That I can't sing for shit, can't dance for shit, and that the only reason I made it into Monsta X was because of my looks. And even then, people say that I'm not that good-looking. So yeah, as you can imagine I'm not the most strong in the self-confidence department. Then again, I'm not strong when it comes to anything. Honestly, why do I even bother?

But that day was the day of our Christmas "party", so of course I had to bother. I say "party" because it was literally just going to be the seven of us in our dorm, but hey there was always the chance that Hoseok and Jooheon would set fire to something, so that would make it more exciting. Nothing says "Christmas party" like a house on fire.

Usually those types of thoughts would bring me some sort of amusement, whether a smile or a chuckle. But that day I felt nothing. No spark of light cutting through the darkness. So I just sighed and continued fixing myself in the mirror. Or should I say _trying_ to fix myself. There was a knock on the bathroom door as Kihyun called out, "Wonnie, you almost done in there?"

"Yeah, just a minute!" I replied before turning back to look at my reflection.

_No amount of time or effort could make **you** look good. Just get out of here._

I opened the bathroom door to find Kihyun standing outside in the hall, sporting a reindeer headband and a Christmas sweater decorated with tiny Santa hats. He frowned. "You were in there for a while, Wonnie. You okay?"

I was quick to nod and plaster on a smile. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure? I didn't get you sick, did I?"

I scoffed. "Ki, you got sick like a month ago. I'm sure if I caught something, I would be dying by now."

Kihyun huffed. "I was just asking. Guess I should stop if this is the reaction I'm gonna get."

_It'll be better that way._

I shrugged. "Whatever you say, hyung."

"Alright then. Now come on. Everyone's already sitting down, and the food's almost ready." He reached up and slipped a reindeer headband on my head. I smirked playfully with a breathy laugh.

"Must have had to stand real high on your tippy toes to reach, huh?" I said. Kihyun rolled his eyes.

"Whatever, smartass. Just come on." He grabbed my hand and pulled me into the table. As he said, most of our other members were already there, sporting their own reindeer headbands and Christmas sweaters. They cheered when I entered, and I flashed them all a smile.

_Don't mess this up for them. They already have to put up with you and your incompetent ass, you shouldn't burden them more._

Kihyun darted off into the kitchen, where I could hear Hyunwoo and Minhyuk arguing about how to properly grill lettuce. I felt bad for Kihyun if those two were his cooking assistants. Knowing those two and their knowledge of cooking, they would take grilled chicken salad to a whole new level by grilling the entire salad and not just the chicken.

_Like you can judge. They're still smarter than you. And at least they did **something** to help Kihyun. What did you do? Make him worry like the useless burden you are._

"Come sit down, Hyungwon," a voice said, and I turned to see Changkyun gesturing to the empty seat beside him. Mentally kicking myself for just standing there like an idiot, I walked over and slid into the chair beside our maknae. Along with his reindeer headband, he was wearing a black sweater that read "I'm Santa, bitch" in bold white letters with a Santa hat over the "S" in "Santa". He saw me looking and shrugged. "I felt like it matched my personality." I laughed, and the others at the table joined in.

_They're laughing at you. Your laugh is so ugly, it's hilarious. Doesn't help that you look ridiculous laughing too._

I stopped laughing as my smile dropped, and I averted my gaze to my lap where I found my hands tightly clutched together and trembling ever so slightly. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to just hide. Lock myself in the bathroom and destroy this body - this life - I was cursed with. Why me? Why now? I felt myself coming close to tears, but I held them back.

_You're so weak. You're nothing without the other members. And once they realize what you're doing, they'll leave. No one wants to deal with people like that. You're a burden. And that's all you'll ever be._

"Wonnie hyung?" I was snapped out of my thoughts by Changkyun's gentle voice from beside me, and when I turned he was looking at me worriedly. "You okay?" he asked. I smiled.

"Don't worry, Kyun. I'm fine," I said. Changkyun pursed his lips, but eventually nodded. I resisted the urge to sigh in relief.

He can't know. No one can know.

It was normally easy for me to hide my true feelings under a mask; a mask of pearly white smiles and loud bubbly laughter. But that night was different. When I smiled, it felt more like a grimace. When I laughed, it felt more like sobs.

_Can't you do anything right? You can't even pretend to be happy. It's for their sake, stop being so selfish._

I pretended not to notice Changkyun's fleeting glances towards me, his lips pressed tightly together and the usual sparkle in his eyes dimmed. I knew that look. He got it every time he was greatly concerned or worried about something. Or in that case, some _one_. But I didn't want him to worry about me. He _shouldn't_ worry about me. Not me. So I tried harder to act like nothing was wrong. But the harder I tried, the more unconvinced he seemed to become.

Eventually the food came, diverting Changkyun's attention from me. Everyone cheered as Kihyun, Hyunwoo, and Minhyuk brought in dishes from the kitchen, Minhyuk even doing a little bow before sitting down. "How come you all never cheer for me like that when I literally cook every meal for you guys?" Kihyun asked, crossing his arms.

"Try cooking a three course meal like this everyday," Jooheon said, gesturing to the spread on the table, "and then maybe, _maybe_ we'll cheer for you, hyung." He yelped when Kihyun reached over and smacked him across the face with his napkin.

Hoseok scoffed. "Ki doesn't need to cook three course meals." He gestured to himself with a smirk. "You already got one, premade." All this earned him was a napkin slap in the face courtesy of Kihyun.

"Anyone wanna say anything before we start?" Hyunwoo asked.

"I am better than this meal!" Hoseok declared.

"Anything that isn't a lie?" Hyunwoo clarified. Everyone laughed as Hoseok's mouth gaped open in offense.

"Um, _rude_!" Hoseok cried dramatically. Hyunwoo only shrugged.

"Can I say something?" Changkyun asked softly, raising his hand. I couldn't hold back a smile looking at him. He reminded me of a young elementary student raising his hand in class. Hyunwoo nodded, and Changkyun sat up straighter with a small smile. "Okay... Thank you Kihyunie, Minhyukkie, and Hyunwoo hyungie for this meal. Jooheonie, thank you for the outfit idea. I was wrong. It wasn't dumb." Jooheon grinned triumphantly.

"See? I told yo-"

"It was _really_ dumb." The table burst into laughter at Jooheon's offended expression. "But that's okay!" Changkyun said. "It's fun." He turned to Hoseok. "Hoseokkie, thank you for making us laugh. And Hyungwonnie." He turned to me and took my hand under the table. "Thank you for being you." The rest of the table cooed at Changkyun's little speech, thanking him and wiping away imaginary tears. But I could only stare into Changkyun's eyes, sparkles of gold glittering in his warm brown irises. His fingers were intertwined with mine, the warmth filling my entire body. He was smiling softly, and I couldn't help but smile back. Is this what happiness feels like?

_Oh please. He only said that because you're here. If you weren't, he wouldn't have acknowledged you at all. In fact, he would've told the others how much he hates you. And the others would agree. Everyone hates you, Hyungwon. You're nothing but a burden to them._

The smile fell from my face in an instant, and I pulled my hand away as the warmth faded and the gold sparkles blinked out of existence. The familiar cold and heavy darkness settled inside me again as everyone began to dig into the meal. Jooheon and Changkyun prayed before eating, and I couldn't help but notice how Changkyun's prayer lasted longer than it normally did.

The meal was filled with smiles and laughter as Minhyuk blasted a Christmas playlist from his phone in the background. It was back to putting up the happy façade I had long grown used to wearing, but even then Kihyun still asked, "Wonnie, are you sure you're feeling alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, but those words had lost all meaning. It was just an instinct at this point, a broken record playing the same phrase on repeat. "Why do you ask?"

"It's just you're not eating much..." His eyes flitted towards my plate, barely filled with food and the food that was there barely eaten. It wasn't that I didn't like the food; it was delicious as always, Kihyun never disappointed. But I couldn't eat too much. I'd gain weight.

_Stop being so selfish. Kihyun, Hyunwoo, and Minhyuk all slaved over this meal. And for what? For you to be an ungrateful brat and not eat it. No wonder they all hate you._

And so I forced a smile and scooped more helpings onto my plate. Kihyun smiled, satisfied, and the playful banter returned to the table. Soon everyone was stuffed, plates cleared, and glasses of wine were being passed around. I accepted my glass and that's when I noticed my stomach peeking out from under my sweater. My eyes widened as I glanced between my stomach and my empty plate.

_You're such a pig. Look what happened. You shouldn't have eaten that much. Wouldn't be surprised if you gained like ten pounds, you fatass. Then again, this is just another part of you that you can never get to look nice, isn't it?_

"Wonnie, you okay?" Changkyun asked, placing a gentle hand on my arm. I jerked it away and smiled, fighting back the tears welling up in my eyes.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said before setting my glass down and standing. "I'm gonna go use the bathroom," I announced to the whole table. "I'll be right back." Everyone either hummed or nodded in acknowledgment, and I wasted no time scurrying down the hall and into the bathroom. It was only when I closed the door behind me that I allowed the tears to fall, swallowing down the sobs that threatened to spill from my mouth. The action made my chest ache, but unless I wanted my members to hear I had to be quiet.

I could never win, could I? No matter what I did, I would always be hated. Never be good enough.

_A disappointment. Always have been, never gonna change._

I walked over to the mirror and stared at my reflection, absolutely hating the person staring back at me as I gripped the sides of the sink tighter.

_You deserve to be punished, don't you?_

I do.

I kneeled down and dug through the cabinet underneath the sink, reaching towards the back and taking out a fresh razor. I raised the sleeve of my left arm, being met with a series of discolored lines decorating my pale skin, a sick reminder of what I had done. Without so much of a second thought, I slid the cold metal along the old scars, opening them up again and giving way to a crimson red river. Again and again and again and again, my tears falling faster as my whole forearm began to sting and my ears buzzed, blocking out all sound and numbing me until all I could feel was the stinging of fresh cuts and the moisture of my tears. It was agonizing. But I deserved it.

_You have to get rid of the extra weight too. You know what to do._

I do.

Setting the razor down on the ledge of the sink, I lifted the toilet lid and kneeled over the toilet bowl. I'd always hated my gag reflex. Especially in those moments. It made everything so much harder.

The buzzing only continued to grow louder as I stuck a finger down my throat. I didn't hear the voice outside calling my name. I didn't hear the knocks on the door that soon turned into bangs as the voice grew more desperate. My ears cleared when the door slammed open, and I turned to find Changkyun standing in the hall, eyes wide and filled with fear. "Wonnie..." he muttered in disbelief. I tried to respond, but I suddenly retched as the food came rushing back up and into the toilet bowl. Tears mixed with vomit as I threw up, and by the end of it I was a sobbing mess, leaning against the sink for support. My mouth tasted like bile, my arm stung, my chest ached, and everything just _hurt_.

_Wow. You can't even hide it from your own members. What a burden you are._

Changkyun leaned over and flushed the toilet before shutting the door again and kneeling down beside me, bringing me into a hug. I found myself sobbing into his sweater as his hands gently stroked through my hair. "Shhh..." he said softly. "It's okay, Wonnie. You're gonna be okay." His words only made me sob louder, all the hatred and hopelessness I'd kept hidden finally coming to the surface and spilling over. How could he say that? How could he say everything was going to be okay when it clearly wasn't?

I don't know how long we sat there on the cold bathroom tile, but eventually I ran out of tears and pulled away from the hug to grab some toilet paper and blow my nose. Changkyun gently grabbed my sleeve to stop me, and I watched as he pulled my arm into his lap and looked over the cuts. I waited for him to scold me, yell at me, tell me what I burden I am. But he did none of those things. Instead, he reached into the sink cabinet and pulled out a medical kit. I tried pulling my arm away when I saw, but he grabbed my sleeve again. "Wonnie, please," he begged. "Let me help you." I let out a scoff.

"Why?" I whispered bitterly, turning away. "You shouldn't care about me. I'm just a burden to you." I suddenly felt Changkyun's hands clasp either side of my face and force me to look at him again.

"You never were and never will be a burden to me," he said sternly but softly, his gaze never wavering from mine. "Of course I'm going to care about you. You're my member, my hyung, my friend, my _family_. You're so important to me, Hyungwon. _So so_ important words cannot even begin describe how much you mean to me." I hadn't even realized I started crying again until he gently wiped my tears away with his thumbs before leaning his forehead on mine. "So please," he whispered. "Let me help you see the same beautiful, talented, and oh so important hyung as I do."

And so I allowed him to sit me on the toilet and treat my cuts. I wiped at my eyes and nose with clumps of toilet paper, not really caring that I probably looked like an absolute wreck. My mind was too occupied by Changkyun's words that were replaying in my head, warming my chest and bringing in light that chased away some of the darkness. It wasn't completely gone, but it was growing smaller little by little and that was the important part. It was then I looked at Changkyun. Changkyun who was kneeled in front of me, soft fingertips gently grazing over my skin as he treated my cuts. His reindeer headband was slowly sliding down his head of silky brown hair, and he shook his head to let it fall beside him with an annoyed pout. After he was done cleaning them, he wrapped the cuts in bandages and placed a gentle kiss over it.

It was then I realized I fell in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone going through a rough time, just know that you are strong, you are valid, and you will get through this <3


	5. Hoseok

**March 19th**

It actually felt like spring that day. Which is exactly why I refused to go outside.

"It's a curse!" I yelled to my members from underneath my covers.

"Don't be ridiculous," Kihyun grumbled as he tried to yank the sheets off. As our designated alarm clock, he should have the most experience with that kind of thing. But considering my muscle mass adds up to more than his height, failure shouldn't come as a complete shock.

"This is Lee Hoseok," I heard Jooheon say. "He's _always_ ridiculous."

"I can still hear you, you roach!" I yelled.

"Says the guy who's hiding under the covers 'cause he thinks God is messing with us," Hyungwon drawled, and I could practically see him rolling his eyes.

"He _is_!" I said. "He's making it seem like a lovely spring day because it is indeed spring, but when you go outside _BOOM_ he sends his flying demon babies down to eat your body and take your soul."

"You've never read the Bible, have you?" Minhyuk asked after a moment of silence.

"That's besides the point!" I said. "This is Doomsday, you fools! Hide while you still can!"

"Yeah, I will hide," Kihyun said. "Far away from you just in case stupidity is contagious."

"Leave him be, guys," Hyunwoo said. "If he doesn't want to come out with us, he doesn't have to. Let's just go before it gets too dark to go anywhere."

"When you get eaten by demon babies, don't say I didn't warn you!" I said as I heard everyone begin to shuffle out. Jooheon scoffed.

"Sure, hyung. I'll be sure to send one for you too."

"Joke's on you. Monsters can't get you when you're under the sheets."

"Well you obviously haven't seen _my_ monster-"

"Lee Jooheon!"

"Coming, Kihyun hyung!"

The door slammed shut as Jooheon hurried out. Though muffled, I could hear Kihyun scolding Jooheon followed by Jooheon's yelp as Kihyun smacked him across the head. Everyone's laughter and footsteps began to fade as the front door opened and closed, the dorm lapsing into silence as I became the only one inside.

Or at least I thought I was.

"What's really going on, hyung?" I nearly shat myself at the voice that came from the corner of the room.

"Demon baby!" I shrieked as I covered myself with my blanket again. The demon baby sighed.

"Hoseok hyung, it's just me." I slowly peeked my head out to see Changkyun standing in the corner with his arms crossed.

"Changkyun...? You're a demon baby?!"

"Wh - No!" Changkyun sighed in exasperation, running a hand down his face. It was an expression I knew all too well. The "Oh-My-God-What-Did-I-Do-To-Deserve-This" look. I'm currently the record holder for the "Person Who Causes _The Look_ on Im Changkyun the Most" award at 327 times in one week.

Yes I counted. Changkyun just looks so cute when he wears that look, okay? You'd do the same thing if you were me, so stop judging. Plus, no one should really be surprised that I'd do something like that. It's kinda my brand. "Lee Hoseok is a Fucking Nutcase™." I should make merch.

"How do I know you're not lying to me?" I asked Changkyun suspiciously, narrowing my eyes and pointing a finger at him.

"How do I know that _you're_ not the demon baby?" he retorted. I fell silent. I forgot how good he was at comebacks. "Seriously though hyung, what's up with you?" Changkyun asked, his mocking expression giving way to one of concern.

I stood up and looked around me. "Well dust, air, definitely not Kihyun-"

"Hoseok." I felt a hand on my arm, and when I turned Changkyun was standing beside me. From the way his eyes shimmered as he looked into mine, I could tell he saw right through me. My smile fell as I sighed, realizing there was no point pretending with him, and I sat back on the bed with my elbows resting on my knees as I rubbed my hands together.

"Kkukkungie, be honest," I said, the nickname I gave him slipping off my tongue without me even realizing. "Am I annoying?"

"What?" Changkyun asked, sounding genuinely confused as he sat next to me. "Not at all, Seokkie. Why would you even ask that?" I let out a breathy chuckle.

"You heard everyone just now. They were getting annoyed with me. I heard it in Kihyun's voice. He was getting pissed off. And I bet Hyungwon's eyes were rolling all over the place."

"You're right," Changkyun said. "They were." I let out another chuckle as I lowered my head. So I really was right. I was just-

"But it wasn't serious. You didn't see their smiles, did you?" I raised my head at Changkyun's words, and he gave me a knowing smile. "I know you didn't, Seokkie, which is why I'm telling you now. Yes, Hyungwon was rolling his eyes, but it wasn't in an annoyed way. It was in an amused way. Like in the "Oh-My-God-This-Idiot-I-Love-Him-So-Much-But-No-Homo" way. You could tell because he was smiling. Same with Kihyun. Yeah, his tone got more aggressive, but that's just Kihyun, always trying to put up a strong front to cover up his amusement. Same for Hyunwoo, Minhyuk, Jooheon. Same with me." He placed a hand on my thigh. "So no, Seokkie, you're not annoying. But where did these thoughts come from?"

I shrugged and averted my gaze again. "They didn't just come out of nowhere. I've been thinking about it for a while."

"I had no idea."

"Yeah well I always tried to mask it with _more_ humor, but that just fueled the thoughts even more. Completely counterproductive in the long run." I sighed and looked down at myself. "I'm a mess," I said between laughs.

"Good thing we loves messes in this household," Changkyun said, wrapping an arm over my shoulders. "We're just seven messes living under one messy roof in a messy dorm." I laughed - which was actually genuine that time - and Changkyun grinned.

"Well I'm the biggest mess here," I declared.

"Are you sure? 'Cause remember we have a whole Lee Jooheon living here, and he forgets which part of the fridge is actually the freezer on a daily basis."

"But unlike Jooheon, my mess actually has a name. Lee Hoseok is a Fucking Nutcase." I waved my hands with each word. Changkyun laughed, and I leaned back on my hands with a victorious smirk. "Case closed. I should really make merch."

"That's actually not a bad idea." I looked over to see Changkyun giving me a playful smirk, and I raised a questioning eyebrow.

"What are you planning?" I asked.

" _I_ planned nothing. You were the one who put the idea in my head, so blame yourself for this." He stood and grabbed both my arms, pulling me off the bed and on my feet. "Come on. Get your shoes and let's go."

"Go where?" I asked as Changkyun rushed out the room. I heard him in his room, throwing stuff around, before he reappeared at my door and held his wallet out.

"To get that merch of yours made."

His smile and the sparkle in his eyes was so excited that I couldn't help but feel the same. Breaking out into a smile of my own, I rushed to get my shit together before we left the dorm side-by-side. I'm not the most outdoorsy person, but I was excited about the warming weather. After months of being wrapped up in thick ass coats and itchy ass scarves and stiff ass gloves that made me walk like a fucking penguin, being able to go outside in nothing but a light jacket was nice. Refreshing. A lot less penguin-y. Hallelujah.

"The weather is really nice today, huh?" Changkyun said once we stepped out onto the sidewalk. I nodded.

"Yeah, it is. No more waddling around like penguins trying to survive from polar bears and seals and shit in the Arctic. Too bad the demon babies are coming down to destroy us all." Only after I spoke did I realize I was making Changkyun's comment into another joke, and I internally kicked myself in the nuts because _goddammit why couldn't I take just one thing in my life serious-?_

Changkyun's laugh snapped me out of those thoughts. "Such a shame, isn't it?" he said with nod. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and grinned. "Luckily demon babies don't eat badasses wearing Lee Hoseok merch."

And just like that, all those thoughts were pushed out of my mind as images of Changkyun's smile and the sound of his laugh replaced them, which are two great things to have stuck in your mind anyway so I'm not at all complaining. "Period," I replied with a curt nod.

"Oh hyung, you did not just say that," Changkyun groaned, burying his face in his hands. I chuckled and lightly nudged him.

"Of course I did." I leaned in close to his ear and whispered, "And that's on period."

"Ew ew ew ew ew, stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it." Changkyun shook me off and walked faster with his hands raised. "You will never be cool, hyung." I gasped in mock offense.

" _Excuse_ me, but I'm the coolest hyung you've got!"

"You shouldn't tell lies, hyung!"

"You brat!" I yelled as I raced after him. Throughout the rest of the walk, the two of us talked and joked around, laughing and enjoying the first day of spring. No thoughts of penguin-imitating humans. No thoughts of demon babies. No thoughts of Lee Hoseok being nothing but an annoyance to everybody.

We ended up at a graphic t-shirt place, where Changkyun and I designed the shirt together. Considering it was my brand, Changkyun insisted that I design the shirt myself. But I kept asking for his input, and soon we were working on it side-by-side. Two hours later, we each walked out sporting our own "Lee Hoseok is a Fucking Nutcase™" t-shirts, Changkyun's black and mine white. The words were red with yellow edges, a briefcase filled with acorns below it. It was simple, but hilarious. The confused looks from passerbys when they read the shirt made it even better.

"It's official," Changkyun declared. "This is my new favorite shirt." I chuckled.

"You don't have to lie."

"I'm not!" Changkyun was quick to protest. "I really like it. The fact that the two of us designed it together makes it even better." His voice grew softer as he said that last bit, looking down at the shirt with a small smile. As for me, I was either having a spontaneous stomachache or I was uwuing too hard because _oh my fucking God he looked so cute._

"My merch _is_ cool, isn't it?" I said proudly. Changkyun giggled.

"Yup," he said. "But you can't just have t-shirts! You need to have more variety, spice things up a bit."

"Oh really?" I quirked an eyebrow. "What'd you have in mind?" Changkyun grinned and grabbed my hand.

"You'll see," was all he said before he began dragging me towards the grocery store. Even when we were inside, he never let go of my hand and - oh, there's the uwu stomachache again. "These'll work," Changkyun said as he grabbed a bag of mixed nuts off the shelf.

"Are we just gonna stick my face on the bag?" I asked as we walked towards the checkout. "Wow Kkukkungie, such original merch ideas you got there."

"Shut up," he said as he whacked me over the head with the bag. "And no, that's not it. You'll see." I huffed.

"Fine. But can I at least get a chocolate bar?"

"Only if we split it."

"Deal."

We left the store with a bag of nuts, a candy bar, and intertwined hands. True to my word, I only ate half the chocolate before feeding the rest to Changkyun. He took a bite and giggled. "Peanuts," he said through chewing, nodding. "Staying on brand, I see."

"Of course. I need at least _some_ healthy shit from this sugar stick."

"I don't think you need to worry about that," Changkyun said, chuckling as he poked at my bicep muscle. I rolled my eyes to mask the uwu stomachache that once again erupted.

"Whatever. Can't be too careful." Changkyun didn't respond to that, only opening his mouth so I could feed him more of the candy. By the time we got back to the dorm, the wrapper had been thrown away (out onto the street) and somehow our hands were still together. Alas, all good times must come to an end, and when we entered the dorm Changkyun finally let go and pushed me towards my room.

"Get me your suitcase, some tape, and a pair of scissors."

"What? Why-?"

"Don't ask questions and just go, you peasant!" I gasp.

How _dare_ you call me a peasant, puny mortal?!"

"You have until the count of three before I shove a slipper up your asshole."

"Okay okay, I'm going!" With Changkyun laughing behind me, I darted down the hall and into my room. Don't judge me. I may be all muscle and a nutcase, but even I know better than to test Changkyun's threats. Jooheon made that mistake once. I won't go into details, but let's just say it was funny until Changkyun brought out the spatula. Needless to say we all know better now.

So I did as he asked, grabbing the supplies he asked for before walking into the kitchen. I found him sitting at the table waiting, nuts and all (and not those kind of nuts, you pervs). There was a piece of computer paper beside him, and with the light I could see there was an image printed on it. But before I could clearly make it out, Changkyun stood and grabbed the stuff before pushing me back down the hall. "Unless you want a slipper up your ass, stay in your room until I say so. This is gonna be a surprise."

"Should I be scared?" I asked as I was shoved inside my room. Changkyun thought about it for a moment before giving me an evil grin.

"Maybe," he said before slamming the door shut. I stood still for a moment, staring at the door, before sighing.

"He really is a demon baby, huh...?" I muttered to myself, but as I looked down at the hand he had held all day I knew I didn't mind one bit.

It was only when Changkyun yelled, "Okay, hyung! I'm done!" that I left the room and walked back into the kitchen. Changkyun was stood waiting for me, grinning widely with his newest creation hidden behind his back. A part of me expected him to whip out a laser gun, but instead he rolled out my suitcase.

Except now it had my face taped onto it.

"I present to you," he declared, "the official Lee Hoseok is a Fucking Nutcase Nutcase!" He opened the suitcase and out came spilling the nuts he had bought. I nearly doubled over in laughter.

"Oh my God, Kkukkungie, you're a fucking genius!" I cried. Changkyun stood proudly, hands on his hips.

"Of course I am," he said. "In fact, I'm such a genius that I already have another idea."

"Oh yeah?" I straightened and wiped at my eyes as Changkyun began reaching behind him again. "And what game changing, variety making, spice bringing idea have you come up with this time, oh wise-?"

I was cut off as almonds, cashews, and other lightly salted sources of fat flew at my face, falling to the ground with light patters. I slowly looked at Changkyun to see him holding the half empty bag of nuts, giggling. "I had some left over," he sheepishly explained. "I couldn't just let them go to waste." I smiled.

"Of course you shouldn't," I said sweetly. "And you know what? I shouldn't either." Before he knew what was happening, I darted forward and snatched the bag out of his hands. His eyes widened as he immediately reached for them back.

"Hyung, don't-!"

Too late. I had dumped the bag over his head before jumping back, laughing as Changkyun swept a handful of nuts off his head. I smiled when he looked back up at me. "What? I couldn't just let them go to waste," I mocked. Changkyun smiled and kneeled down, grasping a handful of fallen nuts in his hand.

"Oh it is _on_!" he yelled as he chucked them at me. I yelped and ducked to get away, and soon the two of us were throwing the leftovers back and forth at each other, squealing and laughing. We only stopped when we were both out of breath, and we collapsed beside each other on the couch in the middle of the aftermath of the nut storm (and not like that, get your minds out of the gutter, you creeps). "Kihyun hyung is gonna be so pissed," Changkyun said between breathy chuckles.

"Yeah," I agreed with a laugh of my own. "You think we should clean this up before he and the others get home?"

"Nah." He shook his head. "We're all messes here, and we gotta let them know the biggest one is Lee Hoseok." He grinned at me, and I couldn't help but smile back.

"After all, Lee Hoseok is a fucking nutcase."

"That's right." With another shared laugh between us, we turned back to survey the disaster we called our dorm. Pecans, walnuts, and other lightly salted sources of fiber were scattered along the floor, under furniture, in a suitcase with my face on it, all over the place. It was a complete mess, but it basically summed up our whole lives so I could deal with it. It was then I looked over at Changkyun. Changkyun who was looking at the mess, a blinding grin still gracing his lips. He was covered in small grains of salt and dust, which seemed like glitter under the light, making him sparkle. When he ruffled his hair, nuts came falling out and onto his lap, and his laugh echoed like bells in my mind.

It was then I realized I fell in love.


	6. Minhyuk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the long wait, this chapter was pretty hard to write for some reason. hope you enjoy!

**May 8th**

Late nights practicing aren't unusual in the "Average Life of a K-Pop Idol". Especially when your comeback is next week and you still dance the choreography like a high walrus with giraffe legs attached to it's flippers. Or fins. Or whatever the heck walruses have.

Okay, so according to Google walruses _do_ have flippers, so I was right the first time. Ha ha! Look at me with all this walrus knowledge! Let's just hope my members don't look through my search history...

Anyways, our entire group ended up practicing from six in the morning until two in the morning the next day. By the end of it, everyone was exhausted and sweating so much we could slide down the hallways like penguins on ice. Again with the animal knowledge. I should be a zoologist!

Right right, getting off track, sorry.

Everyone wanted to go home right away, but I decided to stay for another hour or so. The other members were quick to protest, saying I had to rest, but I assured them I wouldn't push myself and would be home before they knew it. In the end, they were all too tired to argue with my stubborn butt so they just let me be.

Except one person, that is.

"You really should go home, Changkyun," I tried saying for like the seven billionth time. But, once again, the maknae shook his head.

"If you're staying, then I am too," he repeated stubbornly.

"But _why_?" I pressed. "You practiced so hard today and have everything down pat. You should be at home relaxing and catching up on sleep."

"So should you," Changkyun said, turning to me with a slight pout. I shook my head with a smile.

"You don't have to worry about me so much," I said as I pinched his cheeks. "I'll get some rest as soon as I feel confident in this dance."

Changkyun swatted my hands away. "I know you, Hyukkie," he said. "You'll be here till morning, and even then you wouldn't be satisfied. You'd push yourself and tell us not to worry, but of course we're going to worry because the only way you'll rest is when your body forces you to by shutting down." He looked at me knowingly, as if daring me to challenge his statement. And I wanted to. I _reaaaally_ wanted to.

But I couldn't.

Because DING DING DING, he was right. Completely, utterly, and annoyingly right. Why did Changkyun always have to be completely, utterly, and annoyingly right? It's not fair.

You know what else isn't fair? The fact Changkyun could easily read my facial expressions like a book. So when I didn't respond, he merely smirked and said, "Exactly. You can't come back from that, you know you can't come back from that, and you hate that you can't come back from that."

"Thanks, Kyun. I get it," I said with an annoyed sigh. But I wasn't annoyed at Changkyun. I could never be annoyed at him (the other way around was a different story but we don't have to get into that). I was annoyed with myself for overanalyzing every move I made in this dance and causing Changkyun to lose more of his sleep because he was worried about me.

"Hey." When I snapped out of my thoughts, Changkyun was standing directly in front of me, staring up at me with his brown eyes sparkling with worry as he gently cupped my cheek in his hand. "Why the long face, hyung? Where's that award winning smile Monbebe and I love so much?" I let out a small chuckle at that, heart fluttering, and I leaned into Changkyun's touch with a sigh.

"I just want this comeback to be perfect," I mumbled. "I don't want to mess this up for us or for Monbebe."

"You worry too much sometimes, hyung," Changkyun said gently with a soft smile. "You'll do great. You always do. Besides, we could dress up in trash bags and play the maracas while screaming and Monbebe will still love it." This time I let out a real laugh, and Changkyun's smile grew wider at the sound of it. "There it is."

"Shut up," I said teasingly, heart now running a whole ass marathon in my chest.

"I merely speak the truth, my good sir," Changkyun said, complete with a British (or maybe it was French) accent. I playfully shoved him away, and he laughed. Rolling my eyes, I turned back towards the mirror and looked myself over. My forehead was glistening with sweat under the lights, shirt sticking to my body and hair dangling in clumps.

"I look gross," I said.

"Thanks, Captain Obvious," Changkyun said from behind me. I turned around with a frown.

"You don't look much better." Changkyun scoffed.

"Oh please. I always look good," he said while flipping his imaginary long hair. And he was once again completely, utterly, and annoyingly right. The boy wore leopard print on leopard print for a PPAP cover and still managed to look like a whole three course meal. Good for him, not so good for me since my heart skipped a beat whenever I looked at him, no matter his current state.

Sweaty after practice? Heart skipped a beat.

Just woken up? Heart skipped a beat.

Performing on stage? Heart skipped a beat.

Basically whenever I looked at him, my heart malfunctioned for a quick second. Not my fault. Blame Changkyun for looking so good 24/7.

I swear I'm not a simp.

"Get your stinky ass in the shower," Changkyun said, pushing me towards the door. "You'll start to attract flies."

"Last time I checked, you haven't showered either," I retorted.

"Is that your way of asking me to shower with you, Lee Minhyuk?" Changkyun said with a teasing grin, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"You wish," I scoffed, shoving him away and making my way towards the showers. In reality, I was just trying to hide my face which I'm sure was as red as Elmo. Changkyun knew just what to say and do to render me incapable of being a human.

lee_minhyuk.exe has stopped working, please slap across face to restart.

Anyway, after my shower (that I took alone mind you) I went back to the practice room to wait for Changkyun. He entered with his hair still slightly damp, and I felt the immediate urge to touch it. Don't ask me why, you'd do the same thing if you were given the chance.

"There," Changkyun said as he walked closer to the corner where I had sat. "I showered. You happy no - WOAH!"

When he was close enough, I grabbed his wrist and yanked him down so he was sat between my legs. "Hyung," he whined as I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer.

"Yes, dear maknae?" I asked as I began to run my fingers through his hair. The roots were mostly dry, only the ends still damp. His hair was soft and smooth, free of knots and smelling like apples. I never noticed before, but there was streaks of a lighter brown throughout his hair.

Changkyun merely sighed, but relaxed in my hold and allowed me to continue combing my fingers through his hair. I relished the feeling of his hair, his body pressed against mine, and the smell of his apple shampoo. Changkyun was never the biggest fan of skinship, but he always allowed me to hug or cuddle with him. It's a good thing too, because his cuddles are the ones I love the most.

Bet you're jealous now, aren't you?

A serene silence filled the practice room, the sounds of cars and crickets outside the window the only things breaking it. It was only when I felt his head begin to fall that I stopped and looked over. His eyes were half closed, his head falling forward only for him to snap it up again. He looked adorable (then again when doesn't he).

"Tired?" I asked in amusement, poking at his cheeks. I cooed when he nodded slowly with a slight pout. "Alright then. Let's get you home."

"Nooooo!" Changkyun whined as I pulled him to his feet. "I don't wanna go home yet!"

"And why is that?" I asked.

He stepped back, looked me straight in the eye, and with a pout said, "I'm hungry."

And when I tell you I uwued.

"We have food at the dorm," I said, trying to keep lee_minhyuk.exe working.

"But I want ice cream!"

"Changkyun-" I cut myself off when I realized he was giving me puppy dog eyes. Oh God. No. No no no. I must keep myself together. I will not give in. No matter how cute he looks, I will not give in. No matter what, I will not give Im Changkyun the satisfaction of-

"We'll stop by the convenience store real quick," I said.

Hey, stop judging me. If you were me, you would've done the same thing.

Changkyun cheered and latched onto my arm. Shaking my head (and fighting to keep my uwus contained), we walked out of the building and made our way to the local twenty-four hour convenience store. Considering the hour, it was pretty quiet. And dark. Very dark. I kept imagining a demon or, even worse, a _Karen_ jumping out of the shadows and kidnapping us to hold us for a ransom of one billion won or to kill us or sell us to the black market or-

"You're freaking yourself out, Hyukkie," Changkyun said softly, gently grabbing my hand. "It's okay. Just focus on me."

How could I not? Under the streetlights, Changkyun looked even more handsome (although "handsome" doesn't even begin to describe him) as his eyes reflected the light that shone around him like he was an angel. He looked unreal, but the warmth of his hand in mine proved otherwise.

That warmth and his glow were the only things I focused on throughout the rest of the walk.

When we arrived, the store was, surprise surprise, empty except for the cashier. "Want something too?" Changkyun asked as we walked along the aisles. I shook my head.

"I'm good." Changkyun looked back at me and frowned.

"You must be hungry." I shrugged.

"I'm really not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm-"

My stomach growled, cutting me off and causing Changkyun's serious look to turn into one of victory as he smirked.

Always completely, utterly, and annoyingly right.

"Thought so," he said. I rolled my eyes. "We can get the ice cream before we leave. Let's share some noodles." Without even waiting for me to respond, he walked towards the instant ramen.

"Changkyun, you don't have-"

"Get us a seat, will you? I'll meet you with the food." I sighed and did as he asked (even though there was really no need for me to grab a table considering there was no one else there). Changkyun could be stubborn at times, and that was definitely one of them. But it was Im Changkyun, so he got a pass.

I'm really not a simp, honest.

It didn't take long for Changkyun to come and sit in the seat across from me, carrying a cup of ramen and two sets of chopsticks. He handed one to me before lowering his head in a prayer. I didn't notice I was just watching him until he finished and looked back up. He frowned. "You didn't start eating?"

"Oh." I shifted in the metal chair sheepishly. "I was, uh, waiting for you since you were the one who wanted to come here and all..."

"I bought this for you, hyung."

"But you should eat too."

"But this is for you."

"Exactly. And I want to share it with you." I pushed the cup towards him. "Now take a bite or else I'm not eating."

Changkyun sighed and did as I asked, slurping a serving of noodles before looking up and saying, "There? Happy?" I smiled.

"Very," I said and went to eat some myself. Changkyun's annoyed frown melted into a smile.

The two of us sat in the cool night sharing some ramen, talking and laughing over nothing in particular. I noticed his subtle attempts to push the ramen further to me so I could eat more of it, but in return I pushed it closer to him. It was like the opposite of tug-of-war, push-of-war ramen edition. Buy it at your local Target or wherever games are sold today.

In the end, we both ate around the same amount each (although Changkyun got a few more bites because I fed him) and we walked back into the store to get some ice cream. Although Changkyun insisted otherwise, I paid for both our ice cream cones. "It's only fair," I argued. "You paid for the ramen, so I pay for the ice cream."

"But the ice cream costs more," Changkyun argued.

"Not my fault you bought cheap ass ramen."

"You still ate it, you ungrateful swine!" Changkyun said as he stomped on my foot. I yelped and jumped back.

"Of course I ate it!" I exclaimed, grimacing as I rubbed my foot. "I wasn't just gonna let you waste your money! So you better eat this ice cream so I don't waste mine."

"I'm hurt that you think I'd waste a perfectly good ice cream," Changkyun said as I handed him his cone.

"Just making sure."

We made our way out the store and back onto the dark street. At that point it was well past three in the morning and I was about to suggest going home when Changkyun said, "Let's take a walk."

I raised an eyebrow. "This late? Or early? Or whatever? Aren't you tired?"

"Sleep is for the weak. Besides, I've never been on a three am walk before." He linked his hand through mine and shot me a dazzling smile. "And you're the perfect person to have it with."

I wanted to say something back, make a teasing remark or whatever, but my mouth decided to malfunction so I just settled for a shaky nod. Changkyun's smile widened, and we began walking down the streets of Seoul. We didn't talk much, but we didn't need to. There was a peaceful silence all around us that we didn't feel the need to break, and frankly that would ruin the calming atmosphere of the night.

We didn't have a specific place in mind, we just walked and ate our (ridiculously priced) ice cream, enjoying the night and each other's company. We ended up at a small playground, completely empty which was a given considering it was three am. "Hyung, push me on the swings!" Changkyun exclaimed, pulling me towards the swing set. I chuckled.

"Alright, alright. You're hyper, aren't you?"

"I just ate a bunch of sugar, Hyukkie. What did you expect?"

"I expect you to crash soon."

"Impossible. Sleep is for the weak."

"And you're part of the weak."

"That's mean, hyung!" I laughed.

"Okay okay, I'm sorry," I said when he crossed his arms and pouted. I walked behind him and began to pull him back. "Hold on," I warned before I began to push him. Gripping onto the cool metal chains, Changkyun laughed as he swung. I didn't even try to resist the smile that appeared on my face at the sound of it. Seeing other people happy made me happy, and seeing Changkyun happy...

It made me extra happy.

I eventually stepped back and allowed him to swing on his own once he had gotten enough momentum to keep going. It was rare to see our maknae channel his inner child these days with all the comeback preparations we had been doing. It was nice to see him letting loose.

"I'm gonna jump!" he yelled after a while of swinging. At that point, I had sat on a nearby park bench and just watched him with a soft smile on my face. Say that's creepy and stalkerish all you want, I know all you do is watch us even just on a computer screen so zip it.

"If you fall on your ass, I'm laughing," I warned.

"Mean-hyuk," Changkyun said. I laughed as he got in a few more swings before jumping off. The swing bounced behind him at the sudden loss of his weight, and he landed firmly on his two feet after a quick stumble forward. "Ha ha!" he cheered, raising both arms in the air like a gymnast. I stood and clapped.

"Bravo! 10/10! Magnificent!" Changkyun bowed before running over and collapsing beside me on the bench. "Did you have fun?" I asked. He nodded with a hum before leaning against me and resting his head on my chest. I prayed he couldn't hear how fast my heartbeat picked up as I wrapped an arm around him.

"What time is it?" he asked.

"Almost four." He chuckled.

"We're the real ones. The keepers of the night. Or early morning. Or whatever." He raised a fist in the air. "Congrats, Minhyuk. You are a certified keeper."

"Congrats yourself, Kyun," I said, bumping my fist with his. With a soft giggle, he lowered his fist back down. Another peaceful silence fell between us as we sat in the early morning playground. Changkyun's head suddenly nodded against my chest, and when I looked down he had his eyes closed. So it was my turn to be completely, utterly, and annoyingly right. He had crashed after all. "Told ya," I said softly, my lips quirking into a small smile.

As I checked the distance to our dorm from the park, I realized that I'd have to carry him there if I didn't want to wake him up. But I didn't mind. If it was for Changkyun, I'd do anything. It was then I looked at him. Changkyun who was sleeping peacefully, head resting on my chest as warm puffs of air escaped his pink lips. His chest rose and fell with his even breathing, wisps of his brown hair with light brown streaks blowing across his forehead from the breeze that carried the scent of his apple shampoo.

It was then I realized I fell in love.


	7. Hyunwoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait, this chapter was really hard to write for some reason :P  
> enjoy!

**July 1st**

I'll be honest. I thought the camping trip idea was ridiculous.

Not hating on camping. The whole idea of it is lovely. Being surrounded by nature, enjoying the scenery, your friends' company, and best of all enjoying the privacy. Idols don't get that a lot these days. 

So, to sum it all up, camping itself isn't ridiculous. It's just that my members aren't exactly the most... how should I put this nicely... outdoorsy people in the world. They literally spend all their free-time sitting on their (pardon my French) asses eating food and playing video games.

What I'm trying to say is that they're hermits.

But the moment Im Changkyun suggested it, all of a sudden video games became overrated and becoming "one with nature" was everyone's new life goal. I swear, our maknae should be the leader. Everyone listens to him.

Although that does include me, so I guess I can't be all that salty about it. Don't look at me like that. Everyone's whipped for Changkyun, including you. And your mom.

That was a low blow, I'm sorry. I've been spending too much time with Jooheon.

But anyway, I think everyone was just excited at the idea we'd actually be going on vacation. No cameras or schedules. Just the seven of us. Together. All alone. For a week.

It's a good thing I know first-aid.

We were leaving for the campsite in a few weeks and, considering everyone's hermit lifestyle, we didn't exactly have the supplies for camping. So being the responsible leader I am, I decided to go out and get supplies. "Where are you going, hyung?" someone asked as I slipped on my shoes in the doorway. Changkyun was dressed in a gray hoodie and pajama bottoms, having just woken up it seemed as his brown hair was messy underneath the hood.

"Just getting supplies for our trip," I said, holding up the list I had written.

"Without me?" He pouted, and I couldn't help but chuckle. "Don't laugh at me!" he said, stomping his foot. But that only made me laugh harder. How was it that he looked so cute with everything he did?

"If you get ready fast, you could come with me," I said. "I want to get to the store early."

"Okay!" In a flash, Changkyun had zoomed off down the hallway, fully awake. I chuckled again and sat down on the couch, patiently waiting. When he finally emerged, he was out of breath as he stood in front of me. "Was I too slow?" he asked between breaths.

He was, but I didn't care. If it was any other member, I'd be at the very least annoyed, but not with Changkyun. Never with Changkyun. So I stood and ruffled his hair with a smile. "Don't worry about it."

"Hyung, my hair!" he whined as he tried to smooth it out again. I only chuckled and started walking towards the door. Changkyun followed.

Considering the hour, the sidewalks were filled with people dressed in business suits and nice dresses as they walked to work. The trains would be crowded and the traffic would be terrible, so I decided on walking to the store instead. It wasn't that far anyway, just about fifteen minutes. Luckily it wasn't too hot yet either, so it wasn't going to be too bad.

It was a different story for Changkyun.

"Hyunwoo hyung, why couldn't we just take the bus?" he asked two minutes into our walk.

"It would be crowded and I don't want to deal with traffic."

"How long till we get there?"

"Fifteen minutes."

"That's so long!"

"It really isn't."

"Says you, Mr. I-Work-Out-at-the-Gym."

"Hoseok does too!"  
"We're not talking about Hoseok. We're talking about you."

"You're just salty 'cause you're lazier than me."

"Am not!"

"Are too and you know it."

Changkyun huffed, and I chuckled as we fell into silence. I had begun to think that the rest of the walk would be a lot more peaceful, but Changkyun suddenly said, "How much longer?"

"Thirteen minutes."

"My feet hurt!"

"You've been walking for two minutes tops."

"That doesn't mean my feet can't hurt! I just woke up too!"

"You've done more than just walking first thing in the morning, Kyun. Besides, you're the one who wanted to come."

"Because I thought we were taking the bus!" As Changkyun continued his whining, I spotted a café on the corner.

"If I buy you a donut, will you stop whining?" I interrupted. Changkyun's eyes lit up before dimming slightly.

"No, I'm sorry. I'll shut up now." I frowned as he grew silent, keeping his eyes on the pavement. I glanced back up at the café one more time before grabbing his hand and dragging him to the entrance. "Hyung, no!" he was quick to protest, trying to free himself from my grip. "I told you I'll be quiet! You don't have to waste your money on me!"

"It's not a waste," I said firmly. "And besides, it's not for you. I want a muffin." I opened the door and looked over my shoulder at him with a grin. "I'm just being nice and asking if you want something." A smile slowly grew across Changkyun's face, and soon he was laughing as he shook his head.

"Smartass," he said.

"Watch it, maknae. I'm still your leader." Changkyun rolled his eyes with a sarcastic salute. I smacked his arm. "Just tell me what you want, you brat," I said as he laughed. My words sounded harsh, but in reality I couldn't have been smiling wider.

The quick breakfast stop only further delayed us, but again I didn't mind it. Besides, I got to watch Changkyun cutely nibble on a chocolate donut as we continued on our walk, so I'd say it was worth it.

"Hyunwoo hyung, aren't you gonna eat your muffin?" I hadn't even realized I'd been just staring at Changkyun until he said that. I cleared my throat and averted my gaze away from his shimmering doe eyes.

"Oh, yes, um, yeah of course." My face was burning as I took a bite. It was good, but I was too busy trying not to die of embarrassment to really enjoy it.  
"Were you staring at my donut?" Changkyun slid closer to me with a mischievous grin. I nodded.

"Oh yeah, yup, exactly. It just looked like you were enjoying it and I was wondering how it tasted since I never had one from that place before and... yeah."

What? I couldn't just tell Changkyun it was _him_ I was staring at. And don't act like you wouldn't do that. Like you could admit to _the Im Changkyun_ that you were staring at him because you thought the way he ate a donut was adorable. Hell, you probably think _everything_ he does is adorable.

Well you'd be right, so I can't really blame you. 

But that's besides the point.

Changkyun merely giggled, and after a silent moment he held the donut up to my lips. "Here." He smiled. "Try it. It's good, I promise." I raised an eyebrow to make sure he was okay with it, but he just nodded so I took a small bite. He was right. It was good. "Now you have to give me some of your muffin!"

"What?!" Changkyun pouted.

"It's only fair."

"You couldn't have told me that _before_ I took a bite of your food?"

"Well you're the one that wanted some! Be grateful! I was being nice! You ought to repay that kindness, especially since it's me. Now gimme." He opened his mouth, and who was I to say no to him? Pretending to act annoyed, I fed him. The look of contentment on his face made it all worth it. "Eh," he said with a shrug. "It's good, but I prefer mine." As if to demonstrate, he took a big bite out of his donut. I just smiled.

"Whatever you say, Kyun," I said as I took a bite from my muffin.

When we finally did arrive at the store, it was later than I had originally wanted to arrive. But seeing Changkyun smile as he finished his donut immediately made me forget the time. It didn't matter. Not as much as him and his smile.

"What do we need, hyung?" Changkyun asked as we walked in. I took out the list from my pocket as Changkyun grabbed a cart and began pushing it beside me.

"A cooler, bug spray, sunscreen, flashlights, batteries, and water bottles." Changkyun frowned. "What?"

"Hyunwoo." He turned to me. "What about tents? And sleeping bags?" I blinked once. Twice.

"Oh... right..."

Changkyun sighed, giving me a blank look. "Did you expect us to sleep in the car? Or on the forest floor? What do you take us for?"

"Hermits," I replied bluntly. Changkyun blinked before busting out into laughter.

"Like you can talk!" he said, lightly smacking my arm. "Geez..." He shook his head, still chuckling. "You don't know anything about camping, do you?"

"Not really," I muttered.

"You're _so_ lucky I'm here. The rest of the boys would've never let that go."

"Not like you will either." Changkyun hummed in mock thought.

"Nope! I won't!" he replied cheerily, glancing at me with a teasing grin. I sighed.

"So I was screwed either way."

"Yup!"

"Fantastic."

Changkyun laughed again, and though I was supposed to be acting annoyed I couldn't help but smile.

We went through and got the smaller things first such as the sunscreen and batteries. When we got to the water bottles, Changkyun insisted that he be the one to put them in the cart. So I stood back with my arms crossed and watched in amusement as he attempted to pick up a package of water. He stumbled, nearly cursing under the weight. "Need help over there?" I asked.

"No..." Changkyun said. "I'm... fine." He heaved the package off the shelf and stumbled over to the cart. He attempted to push them on the rack underneath, but the cart began rolling back away from him. I laughed as he released a small cry and tried to reach out and grab the cart again, almost falling over because of the water in his lap. After a couple more tries, he finally managed to get the package onto the cart. He fell back, panting as I continued dying of laughter. "Why didn't you help me?" he asked accusingly, shooting me a glare. I raised my hands defensively.

"Hey, you're the one who told me not to help."

"I could've died!"

"You would've been fine no matter what."

"You call smashing my head against the floor being fine?!"

"I already have Hoseok's dramatic ass to deal with, please don't tell me he infected you too."

"Don't you dare compare me to that drama queen! How _dare_ you?! I thought you were my friend! But I guess not."

"Oh my God."

Despite me rolling my eyes, I was smiling. If it was Hoseok, I wouldn't have been. In fact, I would've found the entire act annoying. But not with Changkyun. Seeing him sitting sprawled on the floor and pouting... It was cute.

"Should we all get different color sleeping bags?" I asked as we walked into the aisle.

"Duh," Changkyun said dully before breaking out into a smile. "Dibs on the purple one!" he cried as he snatched it off the shelf and practically slammed it into the cart.

"That's a sleeping bag, Kyunnie. Not a basketball," I chided playfully as I picked out the sleeping bags for each member.

"Anything can be a basketball if you throw it at the ground hard enough."

"Even people?"

"They're the most fun basketballs."

"Do I want to know how you know that?"

"No."

"Okay."

The tents were in the next aisle over, set out on display so we could check the sizes. Changkyun ran over and plopped himself down in one, cross-legged and eyes closed. "If I close my eyes, I feel like I'm already there..." he said. I shook my head with a smile.

"I don't think this even _begins_ to compare to actually camping, Kyun," I said. Changkyun opened one eye and fixed it on me.

"I don't think you have the right to be saying that, Mr. I-Don't-Know-A-Thing-About-Camping."

"Touché," I said, taking out my phone and snapping a quick picture of him inside the tent. He looked so smol in there, okay? I had to. For personal reasons. "I think three tents should be okay, right?" I thought out loud as I examined the displayed tents. "Then we could split three, two and two..."

"Sounds great, Greg."

"What?" I breathed, confused as Changkyun climbed out of the tent.

"It's from an American show," he said.

"Ah, of course it is, Mr. I-Lived-In-Boston-For-Three-Years."

"Touché." Changkyun grinned and I found myself almost immediately smiling back. "What if we just camp here?" he asked as I continued looking at the tents. I stopped and turned around with a confused frown.

"What?" I asked.

"This store has everything we need," Changkyun explained, completely serious. "The tents, the sleeping bags, the food, the products. Hell, it even has WiFi!"

"Isn't the point of camping to be out with nature?"

"I thought you didn't know anything about camping?"

"I know that much."

"Such an expert camper."

"Come help me pick a tent."

"But isn't that a good idea?" he pressed as he trotted over to my side.

"Nope," I said bluntly as I scanned the tents.

"What do you mean?!" he exclaimed, clearly not helping look for a tent (he wasn't even looking at them). "It'll save us all this effort!"

"We wouldn't even last five minutes before being caught by security."

"Do you not have faith in us?"

"Most of you. It's Jooheon and Hoseok I don't trust."

"Ah. Makes sense."

"Thank you."

"But still! We could probably do it! Just tell the security guards who we are and they'll let us free."

"Out of all things to pull the 'I'm An Idol' card for, you want to use it to camp out in a store?"

"Nothing better to use it for."

"Yes there- You know what? Never mind. Just help me pick a tent before I zip you inside one."

Changkyun grumbled under his breath, but finally shifted his gaze to the tents. He tugged on my shirt to stop me and pointed to a decently sized gray and pink tent. "It's pretty," he said. I laughed.

"It is," I agreed with a nod.

"Bears won't dare attack it because it's so pretty."

"Flawless logic. Now help me with the boxes."

"Hyunwoo hyung?" Changkyun said as we began walking to the check-out. "How are we supposed to carry all this on our walk back?"

Looking at the cart, I realized he was right. Unless we wanted to steal the cart, we'd have to lug bags and three boxes back to the dorm. I sighed. "I'll call a car."

Changkyun cheered, but it soon turned into a gasp. "Did we buy chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers?"

"No?" I said, confused. "Why?"

"For s'mores obviously!" He tsked, shaking his head. "You really know nothing about camping." Pushing me aside, he grabbed the cart and steered it down an aisle we just passed. I followed and watched as he scanned the shelves for said ingredients. When all were in the cart, he smiled in satisfaction. "S'mores," he stated.

"Yeah yeah, I get it." I took the cart back. "Let's get out of here. The car's coming soon."

"Whoo!" he cheered. "No walking!" He twirled towards the check-out, and chuckling fondly at the sight I followed. It didn't take too long for everything to be in the trunk of the car as we sat inside on our way back to the dorm. There was no avoiding midday traffic, but like with most things that day I didn't mind. I just leaned my head against the window and watched the people on the sidewalk, chuckling at the thought of two idols dragging tent boxes while simultaneously balancing shopping bags on their wrists. It was then I looked over at Changkyun. Changkyun who was sat next to me, earphones in as he looked out the window. His eyes glittered from the sunlight, his pink lips slightly pursed as he nodded along to his music. He suddenly glanced over at me and flashed me a smile, one that showed off his pearly white teeth and brightened the glow in his eyes.

It was then I realized I fell in love.


	8. Changkyun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait, life happened :P
> 
> hope you enjoy!

**July 18th**

I don't know how I got my hyungs to agree to this trip. Those guys are the definition of couch potatoes. It doesn't help that they look like potatoes too. Except Hyungwon. Hyungwon looks like a horse on crack.

Just kidding.

But for real, I expected my suggestion to be shot down real quick. After all, why would they want to spend their rare vacation opportunity in the middle of nowhere with no electricity and crappy phone service? I never expected them to be on board with it and actually seem excited for it. They all immediately started planning and counting down the days. Hyunwoo even went out and bought all the supplies (though I helped of course). It was weird, yes, but it made me really happy.

Fast forward to the day we were leaving, and the dorm was in absolute chaos. I mean, it's always in chaos. But that day it was like chaos from Hell.

"Has anyone seen my moisturizer?!" Hyungwon called from the bathroom.

"Where's my suitcase?!" Minhyuk asked as he rummaged through his closet.

"Did you guys eat all the snacks?!" Kihyun yelled from the kitchen.

"Who took my underwear?!" Jooheon screamed as he stepped out into the hall.

"My phone's only at two percent!" Hoseok cried as he ran across the dorm.

Hyunwoo was doing breathing exercises in the corner.

Meanwhile, I was just sitting on the couch with all my stuff ready to go beside me, fiddling with my new camera. It was a gift from my members for my birthday, but I hadn't found a chance to actually use it. Until this trip, that is. I was determined to take as many pictures as I could. I'm a big believer of living in the moment, but sometimes you have to capture it in action too.

"Why am I not surprised to see you're the only calm one," Hyunwoo said as he plopped down beside me. I chuckled.

"We both know I'm anything but calm, hyung," I retorted playfully. "I just choose to keep it contained sometimes."

"Good. Because I don't know how much crackheadery I can take." I laughed, Hyunwoo breaking out into a smile too. "What are you doing anyway?" he asked after I had calmed down.

"Just messing around with my camera."

"You haven't used it yet?" My eyes widened and I quickly turned to him.

"Only because we've been so busy and I haven't found the time to actually take a picture of anything! I really love this gift, I promise! And I'm going to use it everyday during this trip and-!"

"Calm down, Kyun, it's okay. I'm just glad you're using it." He ruffled my hair with a smile, and I found myself relishing the feeling of his touch.

"You two ready?" Kihyun suddenly asked, walking in from the kitchen.

"Yeah, and we have been for the past fifty million years," I said. Hyunwoo hid a smile behind his hand as Kihyun sighed.

"Well you better get used to the wait, 'cause the way things are going now, we'll be stuck here for another fifty million years." As if to demonstrate, Jooheon suddenly screamed from his room that now he can't find his shirt. Kihyun sighed again. "Make that fifty billion."

"Is there anything we can do, hyung?" I asked.

"Well, I still need to sort the food out and someone needs to start taking all the luggage to the car."

"I got the luggage," Hyunwoo said, standing. "Kyun, help Kihyun."

"Okay!" I jumped up and fixed Kihyun with a bright smile. "What exactly are you sorting out?" I asked as we walked into the kitchen.

"Just the snacks," Kihyun answered. "But someone keeps eating them all!" He yelled that last part into the hall.

"It's okay, hyung," I said. "If worse comes to worse, we can just buy some snacks at a gas station or something." Kihyun looked around and sighed.

"You're right," he said. "Thanks, Kyun." He smiled, and I immediately smiled back at the sight of it. With a much calmer attitude, Kihyun and I were able to pack up the rest of the food and have Hyunwoo take it to the car.

"Packing is like a real-life Tetris game," Hyunwoo said as he grabbed the last of the bags. I giggled.

"Hyung, you're no good at Tetris."

"I know." I laughed harder as Kihyun let out his seventeenth sigh that hour. "Don't be like that, Kiki," I chided playfully. "Go help our stupid ol' Hyunie hyung."

"Excuse me, I'm not stupid," Hyunwoo said, but his eyes were twinkling.

"Sure, and I'm tall," Kihyun retorted. I laughed as Kihyun took Hyunwoo by the arm and dragged him to the car.

"Did Yoo Kihyun just admit he was short?" Hoseok asked from behind me.

"It was probably a heat of the moment kinda thing," I said. Hoseok smirked.

"He still said it." Then he ran past me, presumably to go tease Kihyun. I shook my head and went to check on Jooheon only to have a hairbrush narrowly miss smacking me in the forehead when I opened the door.

"Honey, what are you doing?" I asked as I found Jooheon digging through piles of clothes that had been thrown on the floor. The place looked as if his closet had exploded.

"I can't find anything!" he cried, not even bothering to look up at me.

"I can see why," I laughed. "How could you find anything in this mess?"

Jooheon groaned and flopped face-first into the clothing pile. "Maknae, I think I'm just gonna lay here for vacation. Have fun on your camping trip."

"Get up, you big lug," I said, kicking him in the side. "I'll help you sort your shit out."

"Are you an angel?" he asked as I pulled out his suitcase. I smirked.

"Obviously no one this gorgeous could be human," I said, tossing my imaginary long hair. Jooheon chuckled.

"Forget I asked," he said, nudging me. I only laughed and began sorting the clothes out, folding them before setting them aside into different piles.

"Jooheon, Kihyun wanted to know—holy shit, what the hell happened here?" Fifteen minutes into the Clothes Sorting Fest, Hyungwon came into the room and immediately wrinkled his nose at the mess. I smiled and waved.

"Hi, Wonnie hyung! I'm helping Jooheonie hyung not be a failure!"

"Why'd you have the phrase it like that?" Jooheon pouted. I giggled.

Hyungwon groaned, running a hand down his face. "Jesus Christ, Jooheon. You were supposed to pack last night."

"But I didn't want to." Hyungwon opened his mouth to retaliate, but just sighed again instead. "I think I made the turtle mad," Jooheon whispered to me. I scoffed.

"When do you not?" Jooheon smacked me in the face with his underwear.

"You better have washed that!" I shrieked as I threw myself backwards.

"No wonder you guys are taking so damn long," Hyungwon said, shaking his head when I could see the corners of his lips twitching as he tried to fight back a smile. "Minhyuk hyung!" he called down the hall. "We need your help!"

"What's wro - oh my banana bread," Minhyuk said when he walked over and saw the mess. Hyungwon grabbed his wrist and yanked him inside before he could run away.

"Come on, Sunshine. Let's get these idiots working faster." Minhyuk whined, but did as he asked. It only took another seven minutes before Jooheon was finally packed and his room didn't look like an earthquake had hit.

"Kihyun hyung is gonna be pissed," Jooheon groaned as he began dragging out his suitcase. Minhyuk gasped.

"Not even a 'thank you'?!" he cried as he shot up and followed the blonde. Hyungwon stood too, but I grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

"I just wanted to check up on you before we left," I said softly, and Hyungwon's amused expression immediately fell, revealing the underlying sadness he tried so hard to hide from the rest of us. "How have things been going?" I pressed when he said nothing.

"It's not too bad," Hyungwon said slowly. "I'm just... just _tired_. It could just be from promotions, but..." He shrugged helplessly. "Better than December." My heart ached as I remembered Christmas Eve.

"Have you harmed yourself since the last time?" I asked, slightly afraid of the answer. To my relief, Hyungwon shook his head.

"I have urges, but then I think of you and how much you cried the last time. I don't want you to cry."

"I cried because you mean the world to me, Wonnie, and I don't want you hurting yourself anymore," I said, taking both his hands and squeezing as if he'd slip away. Hyungwon shakily sighed.

"I can't promise you that," he said. "I'm sorry." I quickly shook my head.

"Don't be," I said as I wiped away his oncoming tears. "You're doing so good, hyung. You're able to resist the urges, and I'm so proud of you." My fingers ran over the scars on his arm before I gently pressed my lips to the freshest one. The one closest to his wrist. The one that could've killed him if it was just a press deeper.

"I'm sorry, Kyunie," Hyungwon choked out as he brought me into a hug. I buried my face into his chest, listening to his heartbeat and melting in the warmth of his arms around me and telling myself he's here. My hyung is here.

"Let's have fun on this vacation," I said once I had pulled away. Hyungwon managed to smile and nod before taking my hand and leading me to the van waiting outside. The other members were standing in a circle, Kihyun waving us over.

"There you two are! Come on, we're deciding who gets shotgun!"

"Why is it always Rock Paper Scissors?" Hyungwon muttered. I laughed.

"'Cause it's more fun that way! Come on!" I pulled him over to join the circle with the other members, excluding Minhyuk who, as our driver, was simply watching in amusement.

A few rounds later and I was sitting victoriously in the front seat.

"Why'd I have to put rock three times in a row?" Jooheon groaned from the back.

"Thanks for the front seat, hyung!" I said, flashing him a bright smile. He bit back a grin.

"You're lucky you're cute, Kyunie," he said. My chest warmed at the compliment, and I giggled.

"I know."

We finally started the drive, and almost immediately Minhyuk began blasting his music. "We're about to get lit up in here!" he declared as we drove onto the highway.

"I don't ever want to hear the word 'lit' coming out of your mouth again," Hoseok said. Minhyuk ignored him. Either that or he was too busy singing along to Red Velvet to even hear him.

"None of you are singing with me," Minhyuk pouted.

"Singing is literally our job," Kihyun commented without looking up from his book. "Let us have a break." Minhyuk huffed.

"You guys are no fu - Ooh! I love this song!" The song in question was Twice's Cheer Up, and I unconsciously began tapping my foot to the beat as I leaned my head against the window. "I see that foot tapping, Kyun!" Minhyuk cried, slapping my thigh. "Come on! Let it out!"

And his smile was so excited and infectious that I couldn't refuse.

"Cheer up baby~! Cheer up baby~! Jom deo himeul nae~!"

That was the start of our jamming session, Minhyuk and I singing along to every song that came up until our throats were sore. Minhyuk drummed the beat on the steering wheel while I did the choreography. Even when we stopped singing, neither of us stopped humming or dancing along in our seats.

Both our voices were hoarse by the time we got to the campsite, but we didn't regret a thing. "That was the best jam sesh I've had in a while," Minhyuk croaked, beaming as he high-fived me.

"We should do it more often," I said. Minhyuk gasped.

"We should!"

"You two sound like someone stuck your vocal chords through a meat grinder," Hyungwon commented.

"A lit jam sesh must come with sacrifices," Minhyuk declared, wrapping an arm over my shoulders. I nodded in agreement.

"What have I told you about that word?" Hoseok said. Minhyuk stuck his tongue out at him.

"Guys!" Kihyun cried. "Look at this place!"

Our campsite was in the middle of a dirt clearing, smelling of oak. Towering trees surrounded us, paths branching off and winding their way through the grassy forest littered with bright wildflowers. The faint sound of rushing water could be heard over the rustling of tree branches, the sun casting evening shadows over the site. It was calming and secluded. The perfect getaway for idols.

"Let's get everything set up before the sun sets," Hyunwoo said.

Our plan was to set up the tents and eat a quick gourmet gas station dinner before going to bed. Who knew driving was so exhausting?

But it seemed we underestimated the amount of effort it took to put up a tent.

"Okay, what the fuck," Hoseok muttered as he stared at all the pieces laying in the dirt.

"Isn't there, I don't know, _instructions_?" Hyungwon asked. Hoseok shot him a blank look.

"You try reading this shit," he said, shoving the instruction booklet in his face. With a scowl, Hyungwon snatched it away and opened it.

Only to throw it on the ground two seconds later, declaring, "Yeah, no way."

"Exactly." With a sigh, Hoseok rubbed his hands together. "Guess we're winging it," he said as he kneeled down and grabbed two of the poles before trying to connect them. "I mean, how hard can it be?"

At that exact moment, the pole shot up and smacked me across the face.

"Shit, Kkukkungie, you okay?!" Hoseok cried, immediately dropping the poles and cupping my face in his warm hands.

"I really need insurance with you guys," I muttered.

"I'm sorry!"

"You're fine, Seokkie, don't worry." I smiled and gently pried his hands away from my face. "Let's just get this tent up."

"I promise I'll smack Wonnie next time," Hoseok said as we got back to work. Hyungwon's head shot up at that.

"Excuse me?!"

It took a bit more time than we anticipated, but we eventually managed to get the tent up. Grinning excitedly, I slipped inside. The tent wasn't big, but comfortable enough to sleep the three of us. I plopped myself on the floor crisscrossed and laughed as I heard my other hyungs struggling to get their tents up. A sleeping bag was suddenly thrown at me, and I barely managed to catch it before it hit me in the nose. "Sorry!" Hoseok said when he peeked his head in. "Should've warned ya."

"You're fine, hyung," I said with a chuckle. "At least I know I have fast reflexes."

"Or that was just luck," he said as he slipped inside and sat down beside me. I shrugged.

"That too."

"Hyungwon went to help the others with their tents. They're worse than us, believe it or not."

I laughed. "Oh God. Maybe I shouldn't have suggested a camping trip."

"No no no, don't say that," Hoseok was quick to say, wrapping an arm over my shoulders. "This was a great idea, Kkukkungie. Just because we aren't used to it doesn't mean we won't enjoy it. Yeah, there are some little setbacks, but that's what's fun about it. We're all glad to be here. _I'm_ glad to be here."

I had just been joking, but there was a sudden weight lifted off my chest at Hoseok's words. I guess I really was worrying about whether or not this was a good idea. But hearing all that, and with sincerity laced into every word and look and brush against my skin...

I smiled and nuzzled into his shoulder. "Thank you, Seokkie."

The sun had long set by the time all the tents were set up and our dinner was eaten. We all sat together in the middle of the campsite on the benches surrounding the unlit fire that we were too lazy to actually light. Besides the sound of crickets and cicadas, the place was silent. It was peaceful.

And then I looked up.

"Hyung, look!" I cried, and all six of my members followed my finger up to the sky. It looked clearer somehow, like a fingerprinted camera lens had been cleaned and we could see everything more vividly. The sky was clear that night, the crescent moon hanging above us shining the brightest I've ever seen. Dotting the raven black sky were the most stars I'd ever seen in my life, glittering and shimmering as bright as the moon.

"Wow..." Minhyuk breathed.

"You don't see anything like this in the city..." Hyunwoo said.

"We barely see the sky, period," Jooheon retorted.

"Well if the sky looked like this, I might just pick my sorry ass up and go outside," Hoseok commented with a shrug.

"I call bullshit on that, but whatever," Kihyun told him before turning back to the sky.

"Thanks for letting us see this, Kyun," Hyungwon said, shooting me a smile. Everyone turned to me and thanked me, causing my cheeks to heat up.

"Y-Yeah, of course," I said shyly, averting eye contact. Everyone chuckled and turned back to look at the sky. It was then I looked at them. Jooheon, whose playful grin had melted into a softer, more thoughtful one. Kihyun, who was resting his cheek on his knees, causing his cheek to puff out. Hyungwon, whose hand was trailing from star to star like a connect the dots game. Hoseok, who was leaning against the bench as he tossed around a wrapper. Minhyuk, who was humming a soothing tune under his breath with a smile as he swayed in place. And Hyunwoo, whose usually preoccupied gaze was now gone and replaced with pure tranquility. All six of them has their gaze completely locked onto the sky, eyes reflecting the sparkling stars and gleaming moon.

It was then I realized I fell in love.


	9. The Beginning of the End

**July 20th**

It had just rained, the hiking path filled with patches of mud. "I dare you to step in one," Jooheon said, nudging Hyungwon with a mischievous grin.

"And ruin these shoes? No way. Besides, you're probably gonna try to drown me or something." Hoseok laughed.

"Oh please. If Jooheon was trying to kill you, he would've tried to bring you into the river. Those puddles are not even one foot deep, whereas rivers are at least twenty. It'd be way easier to drown you there, especially since the current will wash your body away."

Silence.

"Should we be scared that you know this?" Hyunwoo cautiously asked. Hoseok shot him a bright smile.

"Nope!"

"No more ramen for you."

Hoseok gasped as Kihyun sauntered away. "No! Please! I promise to never plan or commit the act of murder!" Kihyun didn't look back, only continuing to walk along the hiking trail. "Yoo Kihyun!"

"Did you hear that?" Kihyun asked, cupping a hand over his ear. "It sounds like the rare whiny bitch who isn't getting any ramen and that's final."

"On second thought, puddles would be a great way to drown somebody. Especially someone who's, quote unquote, 'fun sized'."

"AKA someone who's in denial that they're short," Jooheon said.

"Kihyun," Hyungwon muttered between coughs.

The short - fun sized - male in question slowly turned around and glared at the three members. "You did not just bring my height into this."

"Oh, look at this nice puddle!" Hoseok exclaimed as he stopped beside said puddle. "Looks perfect for drowning. What do you think, Kihyun? Come over and take a closer look." He smiled innocently.

"You know, I might just put mud in your ramen and say it's black bean noodles."

"At least I get ramen."

Hyungwon turned to him with a curled lip. "That's gross."

"So is his face, but we don't point that out," Jooheon said. Hoseok shot him a glare.

"Low blow, dude."

"Are you gonna step in the puddle or not, Won?" Hyunwoo said. "I believe that's what started this whole ridiculousness in the first place."

Hyungwon's lip curled further. "Ew. No."

Jooheon scoffed. "Coward." Hyungwon whipped his head towards him.

"Why don't you step in the puddle then?!"

"No! I don't know what's in there!"

"Yet you're telling me to step in it?"

"Better you than me."

A sudden splash and slight shriek brought the boys' attention to Minhyuk, who was standing ankle-deep in a muddy puddle. Despite the slight grimace on his face due to the feeling of the mud seeping into his socks, he smiled at the silent boys in triumph.

"You two were saying?"

A giggle and click of a camera caused all six boys to turn. Standing a couple feet away from the rest of the group, their maknae was holding a bulky black camera up to his face, pointed at Minhyuk standing in the puddle. When Changkyun brought the camera down, he was smiling brightly at his hyungs, the sun only adding to the glow his smile gave him.

"This moment has now been documented," he declared, gesturing to his camera. "Minhyuk the brave featuring five cowards." He pointed at Hyungwon and Jooheon. "Those two the biggest ones." He laughed at their offended expressions.

"Oh no," Hoseok said before jumping into the puddle he was previously examining with a splash. "I refuse to be put in the same category as those two."

Another splash.

"Yeah, no thanks," Kihyun said in his own puddle. "I have this thing called 'pride' I'd like to protect."

Splash.

"I have no pride, but if I can handle living with you all, I can handle standing in mud," Hyunwoo said. Minhyuk put a hand over his heart.

"Ouch, leader-nim. I'm wounded."

"You'll get over it."

All heads slowly turned towards Hyungwon and Jooheon, who had yet to even take a step towards a puddle. The two boys stared at each other expectantly as the rest of the group looked on.

"First one in a puddle gets the first serving of dinner tonight," Kihyun said.

SPLASH!

SPLASH!

Everyone was now in their own puddle, being photographed by their hysterical maknae who nearly dropped his camera after taking the last two pictures. Hyungwon and Jooheon were on opposite sides of the path, the mud splattered all over their clothes from the force of their jump in. They were both staring at Kihyun, who was tapping his chin as he hummed thoughtfully.

"Minhyuk wins," he delcared.

"What?!"

"Hey, I said that _first_ one in a puddle gets first serve. Minhyuk was the first. I never said it was exclusive to you both."

The rest of the members joined Changkyun in laughing at the bewildered expressions on Hyungwon and Jooheon. Minhyuk raised one fist in the air triumphantly and yelled, "I'm eating _good_ tonight!" Changkyun was quick to snap a picture of that too.

"Yoo Kihyun, I will drown you in this puddle," Jooheon threatened.

"And this is why you're not getting the first serve," Kihyun said.

"Wait wait wait wait wait," Hoseok said, waving his arms. "So now all of us are in a puddle. Except..." His gaze wandered towards Changkyun, who was still standing on very much solid, non-muddy ground. Everyone's gaze followed. Changkyun's eyes widened and he shook his head.

"Oh no," he said. "I'm not a part of this. I'm just the - AH!" Hyunwoo had stepped out of his puddle and picked up Changkyun from behind. The younger immediately began to squirm to try and get out of his grip as Hyunwoo carried him towards a puddle. "Hyunwoo hyung!" he cried. "Please! Don't!"

The other members crowded around. Not to help, but to watch in amusement as Hyunwoo practically pushed Changkyun down into the puddle. Minhyuk had snatched his camera, and while he and the rest of the members were laughing, he snapped a picture of a pouty Changkyun standing in the puddle. "Looking good, Kyunnie," Minhyuk said, holding up the picture with a thumbs up. Changkyun stepped out of the puddle and marched up to him, his now dirty sneakers squeaking and leaving footprints on the ground. He hit Minhyuk on the arm and snatched his camera back.

"Screw you," he said before turning to the other amused members. "Screw all of you." And with that, he stomped past everyone and marched ahead.

"Kyunnie, wait, we're sorry!" Hyungwon called as he and the rest of the members hurried to catch up with him.

"No!" Changkyun yelled without looking back. "You guys are mean!"

"Kyunnie, your hyungs are sorry!" Kihyun called.

"No!"

"Please don't be mad!" Minhyuk said. "I'll let you have first serve instead if you stop being mad-"

"Okay!" Changkyun chirped, swiveling around with a bright smile. Everyone busted out laughing at the look on Minhyuk's face.

"You sneaky little pickle..." he muttered, shaking his head. Changkyun only giggled and turned back around, continuing to walk along the trail, gazing around and taking pictures of the scenery he passed. He was in the middle of taking a picture when he spotted something through his lens and, upon lowering the camera and looking more closely, gasped.

"Look over here!" Changkyun exclaimed, pointing to a spot further up and off the path. Before any of the members could clearly see what he was pointing at, the maknae started running off the path towards it.

If you could even call it running. His shoes were still covered in mud, so it looked more like he was slipping on ice than tromping through grass.

The other members laughed fondly at the youngest's actions as Kihyun yelled after him to slow down and wait for them. They rushed after him, slipping like Changkyun was only moments before, and when they emerged from the cluster of trees they found themselves at a cliffside. Changkyun was standing a couple feet away, looking out in awe, and when his hyungs stepped beside him they too were stunned.

The cliff overlooked the entire forest, bright green treetops swaying in the wind. Birds flitted from branch to branch. Fish swam in the roaring current of the river below. "Now _that_ is where you can drown Hyungwon," Hoseok said to Jooheon, pointing at it.

"I'm not going to drown Hyungwon!" Jooheon defended.

"Or is that exactly what you want us to think?" Hyungwon asked, leaning around the others to look at him with a raised eyebrow. Jooheon threw his hands in the air in exasperation.

"I'm not gonna murder you! If I'm gonna murder anyone, it'll be Hoseok!"

The male in question gasped, hand over his heart. "What did _I_ do?" he asked innocently, eyes wide.

"You were born."

"Bitch-"

"There will be no murdering on this vacation," Hyunwoo interjected sternly before sighing and running a hand down his face. "The fact I actually have to say that..." he muttered dejectedly. Having heard him, Minhyuk leaned his head on the leader's shoulder and grinned.

"Isn't it amazing?" he asked. Hyunwoo turned to look at him.

"The fact I have to tell my members not to commit murder? No," he deadpanned. Minhyuk frowned, lip jutting out in a slight pout. "But this view?" Hyunwoo looked back out over the cliff with a smile. "Yes." The grin returned to Minhyuk's face as he raised his head and looked out across the forest. The others followed suit, and soon all seven Monsta X members were looking out at the scenery in a serene silence.

Which lasted approximately twelve seconds before Changkyun turned to his hyungs with a smirk and said, "Bet you're glad you agreed to this camping trip now, you fucking hermits."

The members were quick to protest, the serene atmosphere shattering as five men started shouting at their youngest, who was doubled over in laughter. Hyunwoo was silent, but losing his mind.

"We are _not_ hermits!" Kihyun protested.

"Yeah!" Minhyuk agreed. "We just don't like going outside. At all."

"I actually identify as a lobster-"

"No one asked, Hoseok."

"Shut up, Jooheon, or I'll drown you instead of Hyungwon!"

"How about I drown _you_ instead of Hyungwon?!"

"How about we _both_ drown Hyungwon?!"

"Sounds good!"

"Good!"

"When did I get dragged into this?!"

"Hyunwoo hyung! Hoseok and Jooheon are planning murder again!"

"What do you mean 'again', Minhyuk?!" Hoseok exclaimed.

"This is, like, the sixth time this week-"

"Shut up, Kihyun!"

"No ramen for you, Jooheon!"

"I think you all just single-handedly emptied the forest with your yelling," Hyunwoo said with a sigh.

"Good job, guys!"

"That's not something to be proud of, Minhyuk..."

"Dammit, Hyunwoo. You made me sad."

"How dare you make our sunshine sad?!" Hoseok yelled.

"Hoseok, shut up," Kihyun said.

"I see you have chosen death, Hyunwoo," Jooheon added.

"Oh my God."

As everyone continued screaming behind him, Hyungwon noticed that their maknae had gone quiet. When he turned to look for him, he found Changkyun crouched in the grass with his camera tilted towards the sky. As if he felt eyes on him, Changkyun turned his head towards Hyungwon and, once he saw eyes were indeed on him, shot Hyungwon a bright smile. The older couldn't help but smile back.

_Click. Flash._

Hyungwon blinked in surprise as Changkyun turned the camera towards him and snapped a picture. The flash caused the other hyungs to stop arguing and look over to see Changkyun giggling as he examined the photo he just took. "Why didn't you warn me you were taking a picture?" Hyungwon whined.

"Your smile was perfect right then, Wonnie. I had to capture it." Changkyun smiled, causing Hyungwon to shyly smile back. The maknae suddenly clicked his tongue as he looked back at the photo. "Although the other hyungs could've used a warning." Hyungwon busted out into laughter as the shouting started up again, this time directed towards Changkyun.

"I'll have you know I'm gorgeous 24/7!" Hoseok shouted.

"Yeah! There's no way to make _me_ look ugly!" Jooheon added.

"That's mean, Kyunie," Minhyuk said with a pout.

"I make the ramen. Remember that," Kihyun said, jabbing a finger in the younger's direction.

Hyunwoo continued to silently lose his mind.

"Fine then," Changkyun said. "If you all think you're 'so handsome' or whatever, then prove it. Let's all take a picture by the cliff."

"Bet." Hoseok and Jooheon started trudging closer to the edge.

"Hey! Careful!" Hyunwoo shouted as both boys briefly lost their balance walking through the grass.

"It'll be fine, hyungie. Don't worry," Changkyun reassured him. Hyunwoo gave a small smile and nodded.

"You're right. Okay." He raised his voice slightly to address the whole group. "Let's just take this picture and keep going. We want to finish this trail and make it back to the campsite by dinner." Everyone either nodded or hummed in acknowledgement before walking closer to the edge.

"The view is so much more pretty up close!" Minhyuk said, staring out into the forest and river below. It looked like a backdrop to a photoshoot, but it was real and that was the most amazing thing.

"Damn. The view is better looking than me," Hyungwon muttered, only half-joking. Changkyun was quick to place a hand on his arm.

"Don't say that," he said. "The world _wishes_ it could be you." Hyungwon smiled and chuckled softly.

"Nah. The world wishes it could be _you_." Changkyun rolled his eyes, but was smiling.

"Oh whatever."

"Gather around, guys," Kihyun said. "And be careful of the drop."

"We're not babies, Kihyun," Minhyuk said. He smirked as he slowly turned to the maknae. "Although one of us is..."

"Shut up!" Changkyun said, causing Minhyuk to laugh.

"You sure you can take a selfie of us with that camera?" Jooheon asked with an eyebrow raise as Changkyun fiddled with it.

"Have faith in me, Honey," Changkyun said. "And Hoseok?" He turned to look at the older sternly. "No murdering people."

"Fine fine," he relented, raising his hands in surrender.

"Okay, ready?" Changkyun asked. Everyone nodded and got into position as Changkyun raised the camera. "One, two, three!"

_Click. Flash._

"Okay!" When Changkyun opened the photo, he found him and his six hyungs huddled together in front of the expanse of forest and sky, smiling brightly. "Meh. You guys look okay."

Cue more screaming and Hyunwoo losing his mind.

"I'm just kidding!" Changkyun said between laughs. "You all look amazing. And so do I." He flipped his imaginary long hair.

"Ah, shut up," Jooheon said, laughing as he lightly shoved the younger. Changkyun laughed and nudged him back.

"Let's not play near the edge," Kihyun said. Hoseok rolled his eyes.

"Yes, Mom," he said. Kihyun huffed and whacked him across the head.

"No ramen for you," he said before stomping back towards the trail. Hoseok gasped.

"Wait!" he called as he hurried after him, slipping and sliding through the grass.

"Seok, be careful!" Hyunwoo yelled, walking after him.

"Forget murdering other people. He's gonna murder himself," Hyungwon muttered, shaking his head and starting after the others.

"Pretty sure that's called 'suicide', Wonnie," Jooheon said as he started walking beside him.

"No morbid talk!" Minhyuk said, slapping both their arms as he pushed himself between them. The two winced and prepared a retaliation, but before the six of them could say anything more a sudden scream turned their blood cold.

_"HYUNG!"_

All six men stopped and turned, wide-eyed, to see their youngest still by the cliff's edge. Changkyun's eyes were wide with fear, hand outstretched, his camera dropping in the grass in front of him as his body was leaned back and being pulled down by gravity.

Being pulled down right over the drop.

Immediately, all six of his hyungs started running towards him, stretching out their own hands to try and grab Changkyun's. But their slippery shoes in the grass slowed them down as they tried to keep their balance while gravity yanked away Changkyun's faster than any of them could ever run.

It seemed the younger realized this too, for at the last second the fear in his eyes subsided, his brown orbs finding each of his hyungs' as the fear was replaced by apologies, love, and a farewell.

The last Monsta X saw of their maknae was that look in his eyes and the smile that graced his lips as gravity fully claimed him, sending his body falling backwards over the edge. As soon as he disappeared, the members succumbed to a gravity of their own. A gravity that forced them to their knees, tears from their eyes, and pain throughout their entire body.

A scream was heard, but it wasn't Changkyun's. It was the collective scream of six men who just lost the boy they had loved with all their heart.

_"CHANGKYUN!"_


	10. The End

Hello, this is Starship Entertainment.

On July 20th at approximately 3:17 PM, Monsta X member I.M passed away due to injuries sustained from a fall while he and the rest of Monsta X were on vacation. Following his death, the remaining members of Monsta X have decided to terminate their contracts and disband as a group.

We know this must be shocking news, and we ask that fans respect the privacy of the remaining members and I.M's family as they go through this difficult time. We also ask that fans support the members on their future activities as they follow whichever path they decide to take next.

Thank you, I.M. You will be missed.

**_THE END_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so we have reached the end :)
> 
> i want to take this moment to thank everyone who has read even a sentence of this story. it's my first story on ao3, and i definitely didn't expect it to get this much attention. your comments and kudos mean the world to me, and made me feel proud of this story. when i was stuck, your support helped motivate me to keep going and actually finish this story. so for that, i thank you all.
> 
> perhaps i will write an alternative ending. perhaps i will write a sequel. there's a whole world of possibilities, but as of now i'm finally putting this story to rest. monbebes, let's continue support monsta x and wonho. thank you for reading once again. until next time!
> 
> ~ TrulyIntroverted


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